I was feeling pretty lonely yesterday on the ride home from town. It was overcast, getting dark earlier than it used to, cold and bleak. I was thinking about being alone and single, about my life changing dramatically in a couple weeks when I move into my own place. It should be an exciting time, but it's also a very scary time for me.
I was thinking about this guy I've been talking to that I like, but who doesn't feel the same way about me, and about the hopelessness of finding love again. And about being far away from the friends I used to have.
Then something happened that made me feel a little better. The song "Oh Lord" by Foxy Shazam started playing on the radio. I was touched because one of my oldest childhood friends in New Jersey (whom I only recently got back in touch with via Facebook) manages Foxy Shazam, and hearing the song when I felt so desolate reminded me that the world is very large, that I am connected to it, and that manifestations of friends can reach me even in this isolated town from very far away. Knowing that, if I hadn't reconnected with this friend on Facebook and hadn't known he was affiliated with this band, I could have listened to that song without ever realizing the connection I had with it made me realize that there may be lots of other little moments like that that I overlook every day. Maybe things that my old friends, colleagues, and acquaintances have created or had a part in DO reach me in Mt. Pleasant, and I just don't know it. Maybe we are connected in that way even if we do not see or talk to each other anymore.
Most importantly, it helped me to remember that even though I'm stuck in Mt. Pleasant, I am not alone. I really needed that yesterday.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Putting things in perspective
Steve Jobs died yesterday. He was a visionary and an innovator, although not necessarily the best specimen of a human being. Nonetheless, his drive and success are duly inspirational. This quote floating around Facebook resonates with me:
"I believe life is an intelligent thing, that things aren't random" (1997).
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Update
A* and I were supposed to have a custody hearing last Friday, but we spoke on Wednesday and came up with a custody arrangement instead. It is completely fair and equitable with no child support. So I guess the hard part's settled. Next comes splitting of property and debts. Then we can finalize in December and are done.
I am looking for my own place to live, but am torn between buying a house and renting. Each has its pros and cons. My biggest concern is cost, since I don't know if and what I can afford, and then finding a place that is nice for J and I to live.
I visited NYC a couple weeks ago and had a great time. I am slowly but surely becoming a human being again (instead of just a mom and discontent wife). It is difficult to reconcile the two (being a human and being a mom, specifically), because it takes a lot of selflessness to be a good parent. But I do feel more fulfilled.
I've been talking to a very old guy friend a lot over the last couple weeks, which has given me a nice reprieve from my worries. But there's a lot of ambiguity in our relationship and it's starting to present its own challenges. I don't know how long it will last and am afraid it's already on the decline. But it's been nice for what it's worth. Whatever happens happens.
I'm feeling a lot of turmoil today. Having trouble concentrating at work again. Listening to the angriest (and thus, most passionate) hardcore music on my iPhone is my way of meditating. After the turmoil subsides, I need to come up with a plan for my future.
I am looking for my own place to live, but am torn between buying a house and renting. Each has its pros and cons. My biggest concern is cost, since I don't know if and what I can afford, and then finding a place that is nice for J and I to live.
I visited NYC a couple weeks ago and had a great time. I am slowly but surely becoming a human being again (instead of just a mom and discontent wife). It is difficult to reconcile the two (being a human and being a mom, specifically), because it takes a lot of selflessness to be a good parent. But I do feel more fulfilled.
I've been talking to a very old guy friend a lot over the last couple weeks, which has given me a nice reprieve from my worries. But there's a lot of ambiguity in our relationship and it's starting to present its own challenges. I don't know how long it will last and am afraid it's already on the decline. But it's been nice for what it's worth. Whatever happens happens.
I'm feeling a lot of turmoil today. Having trouble concentrating at work again. Listening to the angriest (and thus, most passionate) hardcore music on my iPhone is my way of meditating. After the turmoil subsides, I need to come up with a plan for my future.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Checking in
This week was my last Disney trip for the year. I left for Orlando on Tuesday morning and got back to town Thursday afternoon. A* had arranged for his parents to watch J for the evening and said he was really excited about it, so I let them pick him up and keep him until A* got out of work. I went home and did some cleaning and cataloged my library books to return to the library. A* and J arrived home around 11pm, and then A* went out "for a drive," which meant to the bar. J woke up a little after 1am and A* was not back yet, so I sent him a text and he came home around 1:30.
A*s schedule this week appears to have been 7-4 Monday, off Tuesday, (not sure about Wednesday), 1-10 Thursday, and off Friday. He will most likely work all weekend, although he hasn't informed me.
A friend has tentatively invited me to Houghton Lake this weekend for an annual waterside Labor Day gathering. We never celebrate Labor Day because A* always works the whole weekend, so it would be nice to actually do something fun with J for the holiday. Same with Thanksgiving, Christmas, Memorial Day, and every other major holiday when I am off work and J's daycare is closed, but A* has to work... I used to feel like I had to stay at home with J when A* worked over holidays, but J's big enough now that I can travel with him by myself. I'm looking forward to the freedom to travel and celebrate as we please.
A*s schedule this week appears to have been 7-4 Monday, off Tuesday, (not sure about Wednesday), 1-10 Thursday, and off Friday. He will most likely work all weekend, although he hasn't informed me.
A friend has tentatively invited me to Houghton Lake this weekend for an annual waterside Labor Day gathering. We never celebrate Labor Day because A* always works the whole weekend, so it would be nice to actually do something fun with J for the holiday. Same with Thanksgiving, Christmas, Memorial Day, and every other major holiday when I am off work and J's daycare is closed, but A* has to work... I used to feel like I had to stay at home with J when A* worked over holidays, but J's big enough now that I can travel with him by myself. I'm looking forward to the freedom to travel and celebrate as we please.
Monday, August 29, 2011
8.25.2011 - 8.28.2011
Weekend update: On Thursday, A* worked late (1-10pm), so he took J to daycare. After work, I picked J up from daycare and took him shopping for groceries and new shoes and clothes for soccer/Fall. I cooked dinner, gave J a bath, his allergy medicine, brushed teeth, read him a story, and put him to bed before A* arrived home. I also did some cleaning, ran a load of dishes and laundry.
A* had a day off Friday and stayed home with J. I went to meet with a new attorney Friday afternoon and got home early (around 4). Shortly after I arrived home, A* left to help his uncle move tree stands, and I cooked homemade lasagna and garlic bread for dinner, washed a load of dishes, and gave J his allergy medicine. A* came home after dinner, and I gave J his bath, brushed his teeth, read him a story, and put him to bed.
A* worked both Saturday (10-7) and Sunday (8-5), and I took care of J. Saturday evening, J and I went to my work-friend's house for a van-warming party, where we had dinner. We arrived home late, around 8:30/9:00, and A* and I let J stay up late to spend some time with A*. I brushed J's teeth, read him a story, and put him to bed.
On Sunday, J did not feel like going out, so we played at home. We worked on potty training in the morning and cooked tacos for lunch. After A* arrived home, we had leftover tacos for dinner and went to Remus for ice cream (for J's potty reward). We ate the ice cream in the car so we could get back home for A* to mow the lawn (upon his insistence). A* spent a couple hours mowing the lawn while I took care of J. I gave J a bath, medicine, brushed teeth, read him a story, and put him to bed.
A* had a day off Friday and stayed home with J. I went to meet with a new attorney Friday afternoon and got home early (around 4). Shortly after I arrived home, A* left to help his uncle move tree stands, and I cooked homemade lasagna and garlic bread for dinner, washed a load of dishes, and gave J his allergy medicine. A* came home after dinner, and I gave J his bath, brushed his teeth, read him a story, and put him to bed.
A* worked both Saturday (10-7) and Sunday (8-5), and I took care of J. Saturday evening, J and I went to my work-friend's house for a van-warming party, where we had dinner. We arrived home late, around 8:30/9:00, and A* and I let J stay up late to spend some time with A*. I brushed J's teeth, read him a story, and put him to bed.
On Sunday, J did not feel like going out, so we played at home. We worked on potty training in the morning and cooked tacos for lunch. After A* arrived home, we had leftover tacos for dinner and went to Remus for ice cream (for J's potty reward). We ate the ice cream in the car so we could get back home for A* to mow the lawn (upon his insistence). A* spent a couple hours mowing the lawn while I took care of J. I gave J a bath, medicine, brushed teeth, read him a story, and put him to bed.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
8.21.2011 - 8.25.2011
This is an update for the last couple days. This week has been very busy. A* had the day off on Sunday, but had to go into work from 6-8 a.m. We talked about doing something together in the morning (horse riding), but A* was too tired and we weren't sure where to go to do it. Then J didn't feel like going out. In the end, J and I ran out to pick up a pizza for lunch and we stayed home and watched Ninja Turtles. I can't remember what we did in the afternoon.
A* was supposed to work 7-4 Monday, be off Tuesday, work 1-10 Wednesday and today (Thursday), and be off Friday. I was supposed to work my usual 8-5 week and also have class from 4-7 on Tuesday.
How did this week actually turn out?
I dropped J off at daycare on Monday, and picked up his prescriptions from the pharmacy on my lunch, even though A* had ordered me not to buy them after we had a fight about money last week (see related post 8.18.2011). They came out to a little over $200 with insurance covering everything (except the nose spray, of all things), but usually it costs us around $125 JUST for the Xopenex. I ended up putting it on the credit card so A* wouldn't know I bought them, so we wouldn't have to have a fight about it, and also because A* has been withholding money from his paychecks and I'm not sure if we'll have enough money to pay the bills/mortgage over the next couple months. I have been keeping the medications in my car, because I'm afraid of how angry he'll get when he finds out I got them. I should not be made to feel like a criminal for buying my son his asthma/allergy medication (by the way, the reason A* didn't want me to buy the meds was not because we are OUT of money, but rather because he thinks we are WAY AHEAD with our money and knows we'll be more strapped for spending money if we waste it on things like J's medication or paying more than the minimum payments on our credit cards). Anyway.... J specifically requested that A* and I both pick him up from daycare, so we both picked him up at 5. I cooked dinner (Italian sausages on the grill and buttered noodles. I also grilled tomatoes, peppers, and onions from the garden and made a very chunky salsa out of them to go with the sausages). We have been low on groceries, so I'm making due on food from the pantry, freezer, and garden until I can make it to the store. At bedtime, I was going to tell J a story (instead of reading one), but he wanted A* to do it instead; he ended up telling a very funny story that J enjoyed.
On Tuesday (A*s day off), he ended up working 8-5. He was told at the end of the day on Monday that he had to attend a training in Gaylord all day. He arranged an additional day of daycare for J. I decided to drop my Tuesday class to spend some more time with J this semester, since it will be the last couple months (probably ever) that I have J every day. I dropped J off at school in the morning, returned my textbooks on my lunch hour, and then picked J up after work, so A* could go shoe shopping at Jay's after his training and then to his friend's house in the evening for a bow-shooting contest. I took J to Millpond Park for a picnic and we played there for a couple hours, got ice cream from the ice cream truck, walked in the woods and saw a family of deer. One was very curious and came very close to look at us for a couple minutes. J really enjoyed it. On the way home, around 7:30, J wanted to go to A*s friend's house, but we called him and he said he would not be there much longer. We went home and made mac & cheese for J's evening snack, and I gave him a bath. A* came home 8:30/9ish and I asked him to tell J a bedtime story like on Monday, which he did.
Wednesday, A worked until 10pm, and I was planning to take J grocery shopping after work/daycare. When I picked him up from daycare, though, he was having difficulty breathing (not wheezing, but obviously having a hard time getting his breath when he talked). I decided to take him straight home and give him his allergy medicine and a treatment. We ended up staying at home and taking it easy for the evening. I made a vegetable/bean/turkey/pasta soup with leftovers from the fridge. I gave J another treatment and we went to bed early. A* did some shopping after work and came home after we had gone to bed. He brought home just a couple foods--peanut butter, bread, donuts, milk, cottage cheese, and chips and dip--so J and I still need to go grocery shopping after work today (Thursday), if he's up to it.
A* was supposed to work 7-4 Monday, be off Tuesday, work 1-10 Wednesday and today (Thursday), and be off Friday. I was supposed to work my usual 8-5 week and also have class from 4-7 on Tuesday.
How did this week actually turn out?
I dropped J off at daycare on Monday, and picked up his prescriptions from the pharmacy on my lunch, even though A* had ordered me not to buy them after we had a fight about money last week (see related post 8.18.2011). They came out to a little over $200 with insurance covering everything (except the nose spray, of all things), but usually it costs us around $125 JUST for the Xopenex. I ended up putting it on the credit card so A* wouldn't know I bought them, so we wouldn't have to have a fight about it, and also because A* has been withholding money from his paychecks and I'm not sure if we'll have enough money to pay the bills/mortgage over the next couple months. I have been keeping the medications in my car, because I'm afraid of how angry he'll get when he finds out I got them. I should not be made to feel like a criminal for buying my son his asthma/allergy medication (by the way, the reason A* didn't want me to buy the meds was not because we are OUT of money, but rather because he thinks we are WAY AHEAD with our money and knows we'll be more strapped for spending money if we waste it on things like J's medication or paying more than the minimum payments on our credit cards). Anyway.... J specifically requested that A* and I both pick him up from daycare, so we both picked him up at 5. I cooked dinner (Italian sausages on the grill and buttered noodles. I also grilled tomatoes, peppers, and onions from the garden and made a very chunky salsa out of them to go with the sausages). We have been low on groceries, so I'm making due on food from the pantry, freezer, and garden until I can make it to the store. At bedtime, I was going to tell J a story (instead of reading one), but he wanted A* to do it instead; he ended up telling a very funny story that J enjoyed.
On Tuesday (A*s day off), he ended up working 8-5. He was told at the end of the day on Monday that he had to attend a training in Gaylord all day. He arranged an additional day of daycare for J. I decided to drop my Tuesday class to spend some more time with J this semester, since it will be the last couple months (probably ever) that I have J every day. I dropped J off at school in the morning, returned my textbooks on my lunch hour, and then picked J up after work, so A* could go shoe shopping at Jay's after his training and then to his friend's house in the evening for a bow-shooting contest. I took J to Millpond Park for a picnic and we played there for a couple hours, got ice cream from the ice cream truck, walked in the woods and saw a family of deer. One was very curious and came very close to look at us for a couple minutes. J really enjoyed it. On the way home, around 7:30, J wanted to go to A*s friend's house, but we called him and he said he would not be there much longer. We went home and made mac & cheese for J's evening snack, and I gave him a bath. A* came home 8:30/9ish and I asked him to tell J a bedtime story like on Monday, which he did.
Wednesday, A worked until 10pm, and I was planning to take J grocery shopping after work/daycare. When I picked him up from daycare, though, he was having difficulty breathing (not wheezing, but obviously having a hard time getting his breath when he talked). I decided to take him straight home and give him his allergy medicine and a treatment. We ended up staying at home and taking it easy for the evening. I made a vegetable/bean/turkey/pasta soup with leftovers from the fridge. I gave J another treatment and we went to bed early. A* did some shopping after work and came home after we had gone to bed. He brought home just a couple foods--peanut butter, bread, donuts, milk, cottage cheese, and chips and dip--so J and I still need to go grocery shopping after work today (Thursday), if he's up to it.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
8.20.2011
On Saturday, August 20 (yesterday), A* worked from 7-4, and then attended our friend's wedding until late at night. Although the invitation appears to have been sent for the whole family, A* told me that I had not been invited and that he could not take J because "kids were not invited because they couldn't afford food for everybody" or something like that. Clearly, he just did not want to bring J along, however, he chose to lie about the reason for not bringing him. I asked him to give that to me in writing, so I can disprove it later, if necessary. He lies often, which definitely illustrates the quality of his moral character. Without proof, though, it will be his word against mine (he will deny ever lying about anything--another lie).
So, I had planned to take J to Coldwater or Sanford Lake for a fun (and cheap) day out, but it was thunder storming most of the day. We ended up hanging out around the house, playing, and cleaning in the morning (dishes, taking out the trash, sorting J's toys, cleaning floors). Had cereal and sausage/egg/cheese sandwiches for breakfast and pb&j pancakes for lunch. In the afternoon, I took him to McDonalds to play in the indoor play-place, since I had promised him on Friday that I would (he never forgets a promise). After a couple hours there, we went to Chipp-A-Water Park and went for a hike on the Adventure Trail. We practically bumped into a deer and stood and stared at each other for a couple minutes. J thought it was cool. By the time we finished our hike and returned home, it was 8:15. Gave J a snack and a bath, and then read him a story and went to bed.
It is still overcast today, but I'd like to take J out to do something fun.
So, I had planned to take J to Coldwater or Sanford Lake for a fun (and cheap) day out, but it was thunder storming most of the day. We ended up hanging out around the house, playing, and cleaning in the morning (dishes, taking out the trash, sorting J's toys, cleaning floors). Had cereal and sausage/egg/cheese sandwiches for breakfast and pb&j pancakes for lunch. In the afternoon, I took him to McDonalds to play in the indoor play-place, since I had promised him on Friday that I would (he never forgets a promise). After a couple hours there, we went to Chipp-A-Water Park and went for a hike on the Adventure Trail. We practically bumped into a deer and stood and stared at each other for a couple minutes. J thought it was cool. By the time we finished our hike and returned home, it was 8:15. Gave J a snack and a bath, and then read him a story and went to bed.
It is still overcast today, but I'd like to take J out to do something fun.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
8.18.2011
This morning, I watched J again in the morning while getting ready for work (while A* slept in). A* forbid me from picking up J's prescriptions because he does not want to pay the money right now. He also forbid me from paying any more than the minimum due on our (actually, MY, even though the debt is mostly his) credit cards. He established that he will only pay 1/2 of any bills for the next few months (including J's meds), although he will NOT pay for anything this month except rent. In essence, this means that if I want to get J's meds or pay any bills, he will not contribute. I can't afford to pay them out of my paycheck alone, so I cannot do it. I have this exchange over text message, but am not sure how to get a copy to print out.
He also claimed that he has paid more than his share for these things in the past few months, even though he has been taking money OUT of his paycheck for personal spending money (like hundreds of dollars worth), and we earn very close to the same amount. His last paycheck was also only $400 after he took out his pocket money (supposedly for gas and food, although he still charges gas and food on his debit card). I have printed all our bank statements, so he is free to show me his contribution and how it relates to him being DONE PAYING FOR ANYTHING for the rest of the month. I suppose he expects me to pay for any bills, groceries, prescriptions, or otherwise in the meantime.
Also, he attempted to tell me how and when our bills need to be paid (or as far as he is concerned, NOT be paid), because he thinks he's such a financial wizard. He has no clue how our finances need to be budgeted to make sure we can cover all our bills throughout the month, because he has always forced me to take care of them (by refusing to do it himself).
I can't wait to be free from him financially. I told him to open his own bank account and start giving me half of all bill $$ by check, but the credit cards are a larger issue. He needs to get his debts off MY credit cards and into his own name. I suggested refinancing the house to get rid of the credit card debt related to the house--I doubt he will bite. Instead, he will probably get tremendously angry that I have suggested a way to solve his/our debt problem, even though the house (and debt) are also mine now. This is how he usually (read: always) reacts when I try to take steps to resolve our financial problems. He gets very angry when I use our money to pay some of our debt, instead of leaving it in the bank account to piss away on fast food and other unnecessary junk. He is totally in denial about his financial situation and hellbent on dragging me down with him.
Although we will not be married for much longer and his debts will not be mine for much longer, his attitude is going to be my problem forever. Marrying him was ABSOLUTELY HANDS DOWN the worst decision I have ever made in my life.
He also claimed that he has paid more than his share for these things in the past few months, even though he has been taking money OUT of his paycheck for personal spending money (like hundreds of dollars worth), and we earn very close to the same amount. His last paycheck was also only $400 after he took out his pocket money (supposedly for gas and food, although he still charges gas and food on his debit card). I have printed all our bank statements, so he is free to show me his contribution and how it relates to him being DONE PAYING FOR ANYTHING for the rest of the month. I suppose he expects me to pay for any bills, groceries, prescriptions, or otherwise in the meantime.
Also, he attempted to tell me how and when our bills need to be paid (or as far as he is concerned, NOT be paid), because he thinks he's such a financial wizard. He has no clue how our finances need to be budgeted to make sure we can cover all our bills throughout the month, because he has always forced me to take care of them (by refusing to do it himself).
I can't wait to be free from him financially. I told him to open his own bank account and start giving me half of all bill $$ by check, but the credit cards are a larger issue. He needs to get his debts off MY credit cards and into his own name. I suggested refinancing the house to get rid of the credit card debt related to the house--I doubt he will bite. Instead, he will probably get tremendously angry that I have suggested a way to solve his/our debt problem, even though the house (and debt) are also mine now. This is how he usually (read: always) reacts when I try to take steps to resolve our financial problems. He gets very angry when I use our money to pay some of our debt, instead of leaving it in the bank account to piss away on fast food and other unnecessary junk. He is totally in denial about his financial situation and hellbent on dragging me down with him.
Although we will not be married for much longer and his debts will not be mine for much longer, his attitude is going to be my problem forever. Marrying him was ABSOLUTELY HANDS DOWN the worst decision I have ever made in my life.
8.17.2011
This week has been very busy with new student arrivals and orientation. I will not attempt to recall everything I did on 8/15 - 8/16, but it included getting J ready for daycare (because A* worked early), doing dishes and laundry and general house cleaning.
On 8/17, I took care of J while getting read for work (while A* slept in), dropped off his prescriptions on my lunch hour, then picked him up from daycare and took him to a reception at CMU, to the playground, and home. He fell asleep on the ride home, and I washed dishes, cleaned up, and did a load of laundry. A* worked from 1-10pm, but didn't get out of work until 11:50.
On 8/17, I took care of J while getting read for work (while A* slept in), dropped off his prescriptions on my lunch hour, then picked him up from daycare and took him to a reception at CMU, to the playground, and home. He fell asleep on the ride home, and I washed dishes, cleaned up, and did a load of laundry. A* worked from 1-10pm, but didn't get out of work until 11:50.
Monday, August 15, 2011
8.14.2011
I decided I should start chronicling the things I do around the house and with Jayson, since A*s account is certainly going to differ when we're in court.
Yesterday, A* worked 8-5 (I had the weekend off). I took care of J all day, did the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, did some laundry, cleaned the living room and picked up toys in J's room. Cooked veggie omelettes for breakfast, had cold cuts for lunch, various snacks, and cooked meatloaf with homemade mashed potatoes and green beans from the garden for dinner. A* came home around 5:30, ate dinner, and went outside to shoot his bow. J fell asleep around 6:30 (we tried skipping his nap and I hoped he'd stay up until bedtime), and A* came in at 6:35 and then left around 7 to "go for a walk" on his uncle's property around the corner (scoping out the hunting grounds). J woke up shortly before 9 and A* returned a few minutes later. A* stayed up with J for a while (the only time A* spent with J all day), and I went to bed around 10.
Yesterday, A* worked 8-5 (I had the weekend off). I took care of J all day, did the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, did some laundry, cleaned the living room and picked up toys in J's room. Cooked veggie omelettes for breakfast, had cold cuts for lunch, various snacks, and cooked meatloaf with homemade mashed potatoes and green beans from the garden for dinner. A* came home around 5:30, ate dinner, and went outside to shoot his bow. J fell asleep around 6:30 (we tried skipping his nap and I hoped he'd stay up until bedtime), and A* came in at 6:35 and then left around 7 to "go for a walk" on his uncle's property around the corner (scoping out the hunting grounds). J woke up shortly before 9 and A* returned a few minutes later. A* stayed up with J for a while (the only time A* spent with J all day), and I went to bed around 10.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
One of A*s many failures as a husband and father
I am super frustrated this morning. Ughghgh. Yesterday, A* took J to his friends' house again for a bbq/party without inviting me. This is the umpteenth time he has taken J over there, and I have never met these people--who are A*s very good friends--even though they moved back to town nearly a year ago. He also did not invite me to his high school reunion a few weekends ago, and uninvited me from his family's annual camping trip in July (yes, we were planning to go as a family, then he told me I could not attend)--although both times he took J along.
I think it bugs me because I have been waiting for 3-4 years for A* to start participating in this family and doing things with us, and now that he has decided to do so, he has kicked me out of the picture. He has been organizing more activities to do with J, but never allows me to come. So basically, he is building a better relationship with J--which is a good thing--but only at my expense.
A bigger implication of this pattern of behavior is that, should A* get custody of J, he is sure to continue to exclude me from activities with my son. I, on the other hand, think it is imperative that we seek out opportunities to get together after the divorce and do things together with J. I understand (and have always understood) how important it is for J to do activities with his family as a whole, because I never had that when I was a kid. A* had it and completely takes it for granted (that, and taking vacations, spending holidays together, etc.), so he does not bother to do it for J. A* has never cared about spending time with his family (instead, he thinks his role in the family is to be at work and make money), although he will claim that he resisted getting divorced because he wanted J to have two married parents. A married family with parents who do not (EVER) do activities together with the child is no better than a divorced one, in my opinion. A*s sense of duty and commitment has ALWAYS stopped at just "being" married (legally, on paper), not acting like a family or working on the relationships or making any effort necessary to make the family successful. This is typical for him--he was raised to be very concerned about appearances while hiding and neglecting even serious underlying problems.
It frustrates me that he can be so ignorant, careless, and hurtful. One of the biggest problems in our marriage was his lack of participation/unwillingness to do things with me after we moved back to MI. When he asked me to move 12 hours away from my friends and family to move to HIS hometown, where he has lived his whole life and where all of his family lives, I expected that he would make an effort to introduce me to his friends and the area and initiate activities to show me the things there are to do in this state. Instead, he completely abandoned me as soon as we moved back, telling me to make my own friends and go out and find things to do on my own (while I was jobless and pregnant). This was utterly shocking, since he seemed to be so caring before we got married.
I have been so dissatisfied with marriage and motherhood, too, because I have felt that it was so inhibiting/suffocating; I figured that when you are married and have a kid, you can't go out and do anything, have good experiences, make memories, have fun, or do any things you want to do... But NOW, I realize that that is only in MY MARRIAGE because of the person I chose to marry. Lots of married couples I know with children take vacations and do activities together, work together as a team, and are happy. Apparently, marriage and children do not have to be the end of a person's life.
I am just livid to think that the last four years of my life could have been filled with joy and satisfaction, rather than with depression, anger, hatred, and misery, if only A* was a better husband, friend, and/or person.
So anyway, moving forward. I have been making a greater effort to do things on my own with J and to learn what there is to do around here. My fear is for the future and for J, whose parents will never do anything together with him because his father does not allow it. And if A* gets custody of J like he wants, J will also grow up without his mother. All of this because his father was such a failure as a husband/father in the first place and screwed it up for everybody.
Thanks a lot, A*.
I think it bugs me because I have been waiting for 3-4 years for A* to start participating in this family and doing things with us, and now that he has decided to do so, he has kicked me out of the picture. He has been organizing more activities to do with J, but never allows me to come. So basically, he is building a better relationship with J--which is a good thing--but only at my expense.
A bigger implication of this pattern of behavior is that, should A* get custody of J, he is sure to continue to exclude me from activities with my son. I, on the other hand, think it is imperative that we seek out opportunities to get together after the divorce and do things together with J. I understand (and have always understood) how important it is for J to do activities with his family as a whole, because I never had that when I was a kid. A* had it and completely takes it for granted (that, and taking vacations, spending holidays together, etc.), so he does not bother to do it for J. A* has never cared about spending time with his family (instead, he thinks his role in the family is to be at work and make money), although he will claim that he resisted getting divorced because he wanted J to have two married parents. A married family with parents who do not (EVER) do activities together with the child is no better than a divorced one, in my opinion. A*s sense of duty and commitment has ALWAYS stopped at just "being" married (legally, on paper), not acting like a family or working on the relationships or making any effort necessary to make the family successful. This is typical for him--he was raised to be very concerned about appearances while hiding and neglecting even serious underlying problems.
It frustrates me that he can be so ignorant, careless, and hurtful. One of the biggest problems in our marriage was his lack of participation/unwillingness to do things with me after we moved back to MI. When he asked me to move 12 hours away from my friends and family to move to HIS hometown, where he has lived his whole life and where all of his family lives, I expected that he would make an effort to introduce me to his friends and the area and initiate activities to show me the things there are to do in this state. Instead, he completely abandoned me as soon as we moved back, telling me to make my own friends and go out and find things to do on my own (while I was jobless and pregnant). This was utterly shocking, since he seemed to be so caring before we got married.
I have been so dissatisfied with marriage and motherhood, too, because I have felt that it was so inhibiting/suffocating; I figured that when you are married and have a kid, you can't go out and do anything, have good experiences, make memories, have fun, or do any things you want to do... But NOW, I realize that that is only in MY MARRIAGE because of the person I chose to marry. Lots of married couples I know with children take vacations and do activities together, work together as a team, and are happy. Apparently, marriage and children do not have to be the end of a person's life.
I am just livid to think that the last four years of my life could have been filled with joy and satisfaction, rather than with depression, anger, hatred, and misery, if only A* was a better husband, friend, and/or person.
So anyway, moving forward. I have been making a greater effort to do things on my own with J and to learn what there is to do around here. My fear is for the future and for J, whose parents will never do anything together with him because his father does not allow it. And if A* gets custody of J like he wants, J will also grow up without his mother. All of this because his father was such a failure as a husband/father in the first place and screwed it up for everybody.
Thanks a lot, A*.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
moving forward
It's been over a month since announcement of the divorce. I've told my family and a couple friends and co-workers. I've basically run through a gamut of emotions and settled into acceptance. A* and I have been getting along better than usual, probably because I don't view his many flaws as my problem anymore (at least not for long); I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Our sex life is better than it has been in a long time; it feels kind of wrong, kind of dirty, which makes it exciting. But once the divorce is finalized, so are we.
We haven't spoken about the divorce or the future in weeks, but I've been making plans of my own. Travel, seeing old friends, buying a house (possibly on the lake). I'm about to inherit some money, which dramatically decreases my stress and terror about the future. I now feel that Jayson will be okay. I'm even thinking about going back to school full-time, although I can't quit my job until I have corrective jaw surgery, which is a couple-years-long process with braces and everything. Ugh. It does, however, give me plenty of time to prep for the GREs, save some money, apply to as many schools as I want, and make an informed decision about what I want to do with my life. Currently the options are law school or a doctoral school psychology program. I'm leaning toward the latter.
I've been working on re-building relationships with people other than my husband--old friends from elementary school and college, and a few previous co-workers. I'm particularly attracted to a guy who lives in New York and is obviously not a good match for me. But he has a zest for life and is exciting and totally gorgeous. Being interested in other guys (even the out-of-reach, and let's face it: they all are) helps take my mind off my current relationship problem and gives me a glimmer of hope for the future. Maybe I won't be alone forever.
Just maybe.
I've decided to be more committed to journaling, so I will check back in soon. I promise.
We haven't spoken about the divorce or the future in weeks, but I've been making plans of my own. Travel, seeing old friends, buying a house (possibly on the lake). I'm about to inherit some money, which dramatically decreases my stress and terror about the future. I now feel that Jayson will be okay. I'm even thinking about going back to school full-time, although I can't quit my job until I have corrective jaw surgery, which is a couple-years-long process with braces and everything. Ugh. It does, however, give me plenty of time to prep for the GREs, save some money, apply to as many schools as I want, and make an informed decision about what I want to do with my life. Currently the options are law school or a doctoral school psychology program. I'm leaning toward the latter.
I've been working on re-building relationships with people other than my husband--old friends from elementary school and college, and a few previous co-workers. I'm particularly attracted to a guy who lives in New York and is obviously not a good match for me. But he has a zest for life and is exciting and totally gorgeous. Being interested in other guys (even the out-of-reach, and let's face it: they all are) helps take my mind off my current relationship problem and gives me a glimmer of hope for the future. Maybe I won't be alone forever.
Just maybe.
I've decided to be more committed to journaling, so I will check back in soon. I promise.
Monday, July 4, 2011
I am an Island
We went to see fireworks last night. Andy reminded me that it is only the 2nd time we have seen fireworks as a family; other years, Andy was working or couldn’t bother to take us out. His family doesn’t celebrate in any other way, and Andy doesn’t celebrate holidays (any of them) unless his family has a gathering scheduled. When I was a kid, we didn’t really celebrate holidays either… I wanted things to be different for my family and, especially, for my son.
Most holidays in this marriage have been equally un-celebratory. Andy works every holiday of the year, except Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. He has hotly maintained throughout our marriage that holidays are work days, and further, that he is at the mercy of his schedule throughout the year, which may mean working at 5:30 a.m., overnights, 7-4 shifts, 10-7 shifts, or 1-10 shifts (usually), attending store meetings at 6:00 a.m., and going into work on his days off. His job has never been family-friendly, and he has always reminded me of that when I ask him to spend more time at home. His job comes first, his family second. To accommodate this, my job has always come second; I have always put my family first, partly because it is the right thing to do and partly because I have no other choice—Andy has placed that burden on me.
Now, with the looming divorce, Andy has completely changed his story. According to him, when we are divorced, his work will NOT conflict with his parental responsibilities, he will take vacations whenever necessary (including holidays), and have a schedule that works around his son, not vice versa. I have learned over the years that the truth is whatever is most convenient for Andy at the time. He lies frequently, usually daily. I learned to doubt EVERYTHING he says many months ago. I told him today that I don’t know when he is telling the truth and when he is lying. Was he telling the truth before when he blamed his work for his inability to spend time with his family, or is he telling the truth now when he says his work will no longer get in the way of caring for his son? I believed for many years the “truth” he told about his work schedule, and I have absolutely no reason to believe the “truth” he is telling now. It really worries me, because I want Jayson to have a relationship and equal time with his father, but I just don’t know how Andy can manage it. If Andy cannot be consistently there for Jayson, it will be better for Jayson to see him less.
This afternoon, we talked about how we are going to do custody on holidays. I feel that Andy’s custodial time is HIS and not his parents’, so if it is his day with Jayson, he needs to be there for him. If he will not be able to care for Jayson on those days, he should not ask to have him. Andy got angry and refused to discuss this, only saying that it would not be fair for him not to have custodial holidays just because he wouldn’t be there. He suggested yesterday that his custodial days are also his parents’, so they should be able to watch Jayson for him (at least, I cannot protest this and it is none of my business what goes on those days). I explained that it would not be in Jayson’s best interest to be bounced around between THREE families, sometimes going to my house, sometimes to Andy’s, and other times to Andy’s parents’ house. Andy’s schedule changes from week to week, and the custody arrangement (which we haven’t been able to discuss yet, because I am waiting for Andy to figure out a way to be consistent) is already guaranteed to leave Jayson insecure and disoriented. Andy’s inconsistent schedule has been very hard for me (he doesn’t know what his schedule will be from day to day sometimes, because he does not inform me of his schedule ahead of time and forgets when he is supposed to work), and I can’t imagine how much harder it is for Jayson. Jayson often expresses negative feelings about Andy, saying “I don’t like him,” frequently refusing to allow Andy to play with him, and almost ALWAYS refusing to allow Andy to assist or help him with his needs—he always wants me. Andy blames me for this (as if I have turned Jayson against him), but I believe it is because Jayson resents him for being so inconsistent in his life. It breaks my heart when Jayson tells me he doesn’t like his dad, because he is too young and innocent to harbor such resentment. I just want him to be happy.
Since Andy notified me of the divorce, I have been devastated for Jayson, thinking about how it is going to tear his life apart. But as yesterday progressed, I started to realize that Jayson has never had a family that did activities together, celebrated holidays, took vacations, or had many happy memories as a unit (thanks to Andy and his refusal to participate). For a while, when Andy was renovating the new house, Jayson called one house “Mama’s house” and one house “Daddy’s house.” He is actually very used to his parents being apart. Maybe the change will not be as hard on him as I first thought. Or maybe yesterday was just a bad day—Jayson was very negative toward Andy yesterday.
Andy also revealed yesterday that I have been uninvited to all of his upcoming events—the family camping trip later this month, his high school reunion (apparently also this month; he never even told me about it), his friend’s wedding, and all future family gatherings. I learned this through offhand remarks; he did not tell me directly, as if I didn’t even need to be told and should just KNOW. It is like Andy has already written me out of his life. Okay. Except that Andy’s family and friends are the only connections I have in this town (other than my coworkers, whom I prefer to keep separate from my personal life). Andy has alienated me from all of my family and friends, first by moving me to Michigan, hundreds or thousands of miles away from my family and friends. Second, by refusing to travel back to the east coast to visit my family. In the four years since we moved here, we have only traveled to Virginia ONE time so Jayson could see my family—in 2009, when Jayson was one. Usually he uses work as an excuse, promising that we can go months or weeks in advance, but then at the last minute saying he has not requested the vacation and it is now too late to do so (without any apology or remorse). He has done this more times than I can count, and for all kinds of different events and occasions. We were supposed to travel down in October 2008 so my family could meet Jayson for the first time, but Andy pulled the “I didn’t request vacation” stunt, and we couldn’t go. He refused to travel down anytime after that until October 2009, when we successfully drove down for a few days. We planned to travel down the next year (2010), again in October, but Jayson came down with bronchitis the day before the trip, so the trip was canceled. Then, my sister informed me that she was having an Easter get-together for the whole family in April 2011. I asked Andy many times over the next several months, but he flatly refused. When I asked why, he had no reason except that he “just didn’t want to.” I had always been afraid to travel alone with Jayson, but by this year, I decided that Andy wasn’t going to stop me again from seeing my family, so I decided I would go on the trip with or without him. I told him in March that we were going to my sister’s Easter party. He had enough time to request the vacation, but he chose not to. I had to take Jayson to Virginia alone, but I did it, because I would not allow Andy to keep Jayson from having a relationship with my family any longer (this was the second time Jayson visited Virginia in his life). Over the years, I have taken Jayson on many trips and outings alone; I realized long ago that if we waited for Andy, we would spend the rest of our lives sitting in our house doing nothing. But traveling to see my family is difficult and scary when it is just me and Jayson, so I have put it off. Plus, there is no room in our budget for traveling, since Andy has spent us so far into debt and most of our income goes to paying off those debts. The best solution would be to move closer to my family, but Andy will fight me forever to keep Jayson in Michigan. His desires, his needs, his family, and his life have always trumped mine.
So for the last four years, I have only seen my family (with two exceptions) when they drive to Michigan to see me. They cannot afford to fly, so they drive 13 hours each way whenever they get a chance (usually once a year) and stay for a day or two before making the return trip. It is difficult for them, but worth the trouble. Jayson’s first Christmas, I paid for my mom to fly up so she could see him. That was the last time I could afford to buy her a plane ticket.
Now I am getting divorced from Andy, his family, and his friends (although he hasn’t allowed me to see his friends in a long time, and has not even introduced me to some of them). I am alone. I cannot leave Michigan, because I cannot leave my son. I have no family here and only coworkers, not real friends. I have spent my entire time here at work or at home caring for Jayson, and have not had a chance to meet anybody. In my classes I had many casual friends, but nobody I could really relate to. It did occur to me today that I can make new friends, that I will not always be alone. But for now, I am disheartened that Andy has just cut me off from all of my personal connections in town, considering that we are still married and living together and that we want to maintain a good relationship for Jayson (Andy makes that harder and harder everyday by his actions; consistently, his words and his actions contradict each other, like when he said that divorce was never an option, but pushed us closer and closer to divorce EVERY DAY through his choice of actions). He has a built-in support network (a huge family and lots of friends and family friends—he has lived in this town his whole life and knows everybody). He has no empathy for me or my situation, and cares not that he has put me here. He is clueless and cruel.
And with all the debt he has built up since we have been married, I don’t know if I will be able to afford to travel to see my friends and family after we are divorced. We have not discussed how we will split the debt yet. It is a discussion that will probably halt all other negotiations and send us straight to our attorneys. I think we are both dreading it. Until I know how the debt will be split, I cannot even attempt to figure out what my financial situation will be, where I can afford to live, etc. Everything hinges on that.
I feel totally trapped and powerless right now.
I haven't slept since Saturday night...
A* has forbidden me from posting anything about the divorce on Facebook, although it is my sole means for communicating with my friends and family. It would cause him to lose face, and appearances are very important to him; this is what he learned from his family growing up. I learned from my family to be honest and straightforward. I feel every day like I am lying to people, especially J, simply by not announcing the truth. I have a very hard time keeping secrets. A* already has discussed the divorce with his friends and family (and apparently has been discussing it with his parents for many months, although he has NEVER discussed it with me). It is not fair that I cannot do the same. That is going to change very soon.
I wrote A* a letter last week to try to make him understand how he has failed me as a husband in serious and very harmful ways. First, he has not supported me emotionally or otherwise for as long as we have been married. I asked him for support and help many times, but within just a few months of moving to Michigan, he told me that he could not be my only support, and that I should (no, MUST) find other people to rely on. This from my husband who had just moved me away from all of my family and friends to be close to his own family and friends in the town he had lived his whole life. This, when I was pregnant with our child, had given up a fabulous, lucrative job, could not find a new job, and was responsible for paying our bills and making everything in our life work, including shouldering ALL of the stress and pressure. A* abandoned me basically from day one (he never gave my emotional or physical needs a thought), and never could or would admit how his neglect destroyed me. When I got depressed, he did not help me; he blamed me. When I reached out to him because I was unhappy, he told I “liked to be miserable” and I “wanted to be unhappy.” I “made” myself depressed. I could not talk to him about it (it obviously was a burden he could not be bothered with), and he would not change the behaviors (HIS behaviors) that were contributing to my depression. Instead of fixing our relationship, he told me to seek professional help and medication. My depression made me a bad wife and mother. When I tried to kill myself, it was only my fault and there was absolutely no excuse or reason he wanted to hear; he would not entertain for even a second the idea that his failures as a husband had led to my depression and suicide attempt. I did not leave a suicide note, because I already knew after so many years of being blamed that there was no explanation that would get through to him, satisfy him. I had given up trying.
For years, I wanted to get a divorce. I knew that being in this marriage was bad for me. It almost killed me. But every day I am scared for the future. There is so much uncertainty. Some days, A* is nice and I think, “This isn’t so bad. I could live like this.” But most days he is not, and, to live like this forever? I know I deserve better than to have a husband that treats me like dirt half the time, and like I don’t exist much of the rest of the time. I deserve better than to have a husband that blames me instead of supports me when I need help, who would abandon, fail, and disappoint me so many times throughout the years and still, to this day, refuse to acknowledge it or try to do better.
So yes, I know it is the right decision. But I am scared. And angry. All of this is A*'s fault, but while he gets to live in the same house, with much the same stuff, surrounded by family and friends in a town that is so familiar to him and that he loves, I have no idea what will happen to me or where I will be in even a few months. I cannot leave town because my job and son are here. Where can I afford to live? Who can I talk to? Will I make new friends, or will I be alone forever? Will I be able to afford to travel? Will I ever be able to leave this town that I hate so much, or must I stay forever to be near my son? What will I do with myself when I am alone? Will I ever meet another guy? This town is like a pit, a black hole--there are so few good people, jobs, restaurants, activities to do, or places to go... I hate it here. And right now I feel like I will be stuck here forever, and not only stuck here, but stuck here ALONE (the only thing that could make it worse).
On top of that, A* is in the best position he has been in his life. Coming out of this relationship, he's got a son, a job, a better credit rating, a house, and tons of nice toys and gear he purchased for himself on my credit over the years. He feels better about himself than ever. Me? I feel like a total schmuck, with debt I never had before, no place to live, no self esteem, I got fat, I got ugly, and I feel like I have nothing left to give. I lost my freedom. I lost my positive outlook. I lost my potential. And I lost my trust. I no longer believe in love. I used to be cynical, but now I'm cynical x1000.
Needless to say, my outlook is not so good...
Friday, July 1, 2011
Metal Detecting! And other less interesting things...
Last year, possibly for our anniversary, my husband bought me a metal detector. It was very sophisticated and required calibrating and all kinds of crazy set-up. I had always wanted one, and must have mentioned it to him at some point (usually those hints slip past him, but he must have been in a spending mood at the time). Since it was bought mid-winter, I never used it.
I took it out yesterday, and it was sweeeeet. Husband did not take J out last night, so we stayed home and metal detected in the yard (me and J, not Husband). The first thing we found was a 1953 Michigan license plate buried right next to J's swing set! We also found some kind of square metal plate and some other hunk of metal that looked like a part of a tractor engine or maybe piping (it was REALLY heavy). Everything was covered in rust and dirt, and I haven't had a chance to clean them off and find out what they really are.
I can't wait to do it again! Unfortunately, J lost interest pretty quickly and I don't think he enjoyed it very much. He did have fun playing in a big hole we dug in the yard and throwing dirt on me. I think this will have to be a hobby I do when he is not around. It will be good to have a relaxing hobby that also gets me outside and moving.
Also, after the last week of focusing solely on the divorce and taking care of myself (to prevent a nervous breakdown), I feel like I am ready to ease back into my normal (more stressful) routine, which includes spending less time sleeping and filling the rest of my time with multiple responsibilities--taking care of J, figuring out how to pay debts, writing my thesis and finishing my Master's degree, administrating my grandfather's estate, actually working while I'm at work, cleaning the house, and planning for the future.
I have been going to bed early to avoid seeing, and thus talking to, my husband for the past couple nights. I guess talking to him again should also be on my to-do list.
I took it out yesterday, and it was sweeeeet. Husband did not take J out last night, so we stayed home and metal detected in the yard (me and J, not Husband). The first thing we found was a 1953 Michigan license plate buried right next to J's swing set! We also found some kind of square metal plate and some other hunk of metal that looked like a part of a tractor engine or maybe piping (it was REALLY heavy). Everything was covered in rust and dirt, and I haven't had a chance to clean them off and find out what they really are.
I can't wait to do it again! Unfortunately, J lost interest pretty quickly and I don't think he enjoyed it very much. He did have fun playing in a big hole we dug in the yard and throwing dirt on me. I think this will have to be a hobby I do when he is not around. It will be good to have a relaxing hobby that also gets me outside and moving.
Also, after the last week of focusing solely on the divorce and taking care of myself (to prevent a nervous breakdown), I feel like I am ready to ease back into my normal (more stressful) routine, which includes spending less time sleeping and filling the rest of my time with multiple responsibilities--taking care of J, figuring out how to pay debts, writing my thesis and finishing my Master's degree, administrating my grandfather's estate, actually working while I'm at work, cleaning the house, and planning for the future.
I have been going to bed early to avoid seeing, and thus talking to, my husband for the past couple nights. I guess talking to him again should also be on my to-do list.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
Actually, last Thursday was the first day of the rest of my life.
That was the day I picked up the Divorce Complaint from my husband's attorney. That was the day it all became real. Although I have wanted the divorce for several years (we've only been married for three and a half), the reality is a lot harsher than the dream. Thinking about our son and what this will do to him is enough to make me rethink everything I have believed about what I need and what I can withstand in a marriage. Thinking about having to deal with my husband for the next 15 years as an angry divorced couple (as opposed to an angry married couple) in parenting decisions makes me nauseous. Everything else has been put on hold--finishing my thesis, trying to wrap up my grandfather's estate administration (which is a nightmare in and of itself), even going to work most days. Since last Thursday, I have been focused on figuring out what is important in life, what the future will hold, and spending as much time with my son as possible.
I forgot to mention that my husband has petitioned for sole custody of our son because he thinks I am crazy. I am not. And although I hoped to move out of the house immediately, my divorce attorney has advised me that I should stay put for the next six months (the mandatory waiting period for a divorce in Michigan when children are involved) so there can be no custody determination. It makes me sick, but I stay.
I have lost my appetite. I'm getting headaches. I alternate between feeling totally fine and crying (sometimes uncontrollably), between hating my husband with an intense passion I have never felt before and getting along with him like nothing at all has transpired. I haven't told anybody. I don't know if he has. We don't talk about it. It is the terrifying elephant in the room.
I don't know if my attorney is any good. I'm afraid he may be a self-confident fraud, but there were so few options here to choose from. He was the best I could find. I wanted somebody great. I hope I'm not completely disappointed. I can't afford a second retainer.
I have no friends and no family here. I guess I will have to tell my family (in Virginia) eventually, but I do not expect comfort from them. We're not that kind of family. If I wanted to move back home, I could, but my husband would never allow me to take J there. And I don't want to be a single mom (I want to share custody with my husband... I think). So I stay. My job here is good, but it's all I have. That and my son. There is honestly, truly nothing else. So on top of everything else, I am scared.
My biggest fear, before I met my husband, was being alone as I grow old. I had let go of that fear. Now I wonder if I should let it back in. I have no interest in dating, meeting other guys, or ever getting married again. I feel like a spinster at 28.
I'm having trouble finding meaning in my daily activities--at least, in anything that does not involve spending time with my son. The house is clean... enough. My thesis--previously a huge source of stress--now seems unimportant. The estate administration seems so big a task and so worrisome that I am afraid to let it into my thoughts--if I do, I'm afraid the anxiety will be too much to handle. And so it waits (at least as much as I can allow; I did feel good this morning and left a message for my estate attorney to talk about some issues).
My husband wants to take J out tonight. I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I'll sort through the documents I've collected to submit to my divorce attorney as evidence for my case. I have spent more time than usual in the last week taking care of myself, sleeping, and just relaxing instead of sweating the small stuff, which right now does indeed seem small. I'm all relaxed out, but I don't feel capable of taking on any great tasks, either. It's like I'm stuck in limbo.
Maybe next week will be more normal.
That was the day I picked up the Divorce Complaint from my husband's attorney. That was the day it all became real. Although I have wanted the divorce for several years (we've only been married for three and a half), the reality is a lot harsher than the dream. Thinking about our son and what this will do to him is enough to make me rethink everything I have believed about what I need and what I can withstand in a marriage. Thinking about having to deal with my husband for the next 15 years as an angry divorced couple (as opposed to an angry married couple) in parenting decisions makes me nauseous. Everything else has been put on hold--finishing my thesis, trying to wrap up my grandfather's estate administration (which is a nightmare in and of itself), even going to work most days. Since last Thursday, I have been focused on figuring out what is important in life, what the future will hold, and spending as much time with my son as possible.
I forgot to mention that my husband has petitioned for sole custody of our son because he thinks I am crazy. I am not. And although I hoped to move out of the house immediately, my divorce attorney has advised me that I should stay put for the next six months (the mandatory waiting period for a divorce in Michigan when children are involved) so there can be no custody determination. It makes me sick, but I stay.
I have lost my appetite. I'm getting headaches. I alternate between feeling totally fine and crying (sometimes uncontrollably), between hating my husband with an intense passion I have never felt before and getting along with him like nothing at all has transpired. I haven't told anybody. I don't know if he has. We don't talk about it. It is the terrifying elephant in the room.
I don't know if my attorney is any good. I'm afraid he may be a self-confident fraud, but there were so few options here to choose from. He was the best I could find. I wanted somebody great. I hope I'm not completely disappointed. I can't afford a second retainer.
I have no friends and no family here. I guess I will have to tell my family (in Virginia) eventually, but I do not expect comfort from them. We're not that kind of family. If I wanted to move back home, I could, but my husband would never allow me to take J there. And I don't want to be a single mom (I want to share custody with my husband... I think). So I stay. My job here is good, but it's all I have. That and my son. There is honestly, truly nothing else. So on top of everything else, I am scared.
My biggest fear, before I met my husband, was being alone as I grow old. I had let go of that fear. Now I wonder if I should let it back in. I have no interest in dating, meeting other guys, or ever getting married again. I feel like a spinster at 28.
I'm having trouble finding meaning in my daily activities--at least, in anything that does not involve spending time with my son. The house is clean... enough. My thesis--previously a huge source of stress--now seems unimportant. The estate administration seems so big a task and so worrisome that I am afraid to let it into my thoughts--if I do, I'm afraid the anxiety will be too much to handle. And so it waits (at least as much as I can allow; I did feel good this morning and left a message for my estate attorney to talk about some issues).
My husband wants to take J out tonight. I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe I'll sort through the documents I've collected to submit to my divorce attorney as evidence for my case. I have spent more time than usual in the last week taking care of myself, sleeping, and just relaxing instead of sweating the small stuff, which right now does indeed seem small. I'm all relaxed out, but I don't feel capable of taking on any great tasks, either. It's like I'm stuck in limbo.
Maybe next week will be more normal.
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