One of A*s many failures as a husband and father

I am super frustrated this morning.  Ughghgh.  Yesterday, A* took J to his friends' house again for a bbq/party without inviting me.  This is the umpteenth time he has taken J over there, and I have never met these people--who are A*s very good friends--even though they moved back to town nearly a year ago.  He also did not invite me to his high school reunion a few weekends ago, and uninvited me from his family's annual camping trip in July (yes, we were planning to go as a family, then he told me I could not attend)--although both times he took J along.

I think it bugs me because I have been waiting for 3-4 years for A* to start participating in this family and doing things with us, and now that he has decided to do so, he has kicked me out of the picture.  He has been organizing more activities to do with J, but never allows me to come.  So basically, he is building a better relationship with J--which is a good thing--but only at my expense.

A bigger implication of this pattern of behavior is that, should A* get custody of J, he is sure to continue to exclude me from activities with my son.  I, on the other hand, think it is imperative that we seek out opportunities to get together after the divorce and do things together with J.  I understand (and have always understood) how important it is for J to do activities with his family as a whole, because I never had that when I was a kid.  A* had it and completely takes it for granted (that, and taking vacations, spending holidays together, etc.), so he does not bother to do it for J.  A* has never cared about spending time with his family (instead, he thinks his role in the family is to be at work and make money), although he will claim that he resisted getting divorced because he wanted J to have two married parents.  A married family with parents who do not (EVER) do activities together with the child is no better than a divorced one, in my opinion.  A*s sense of duty and commitment has ALWAYS stopped at just "being" married (legally, on paper), not acting like a family or working on the relationships or making any effort necessary to make the family successful.  This is typical for him--he was raised to be very concerned about appearances while hiding and neglecting even serious underlying problems.

It frustrates me that he can be so ignorant, careless, and hurtful.  One of the biggest problems in our marriage was his lack of participation/unwillingness to do things with me after we moved back to MI.  When he asked me to move 12 hours away from my friends and family to move to HIS hometown, where he has lived his whole life and where all of his family lives, I expected that he would make an effort to introduce me to his friends and the area and initiate activities to show me the things there are to do in this state.  Instead, he completely abandoned me as soon as we moved back, telling me to make my own friends and go out and find things to do on my own (while I was jobless and pregnant).  This was utterly shocking, since he seemed to be so caring before we got married.

I have been so dissatisfied with marriage and motherhood, too, because I have felt that it was so inhibiting/suffocating; I figured that when you are married and have a kid, you can't go out and do anything, have good experiences, make memories, have fun, or do any things you want to do... But NOW, I realize that that is only in MY MARRIAGE because of the person I chose to marry.  Lots of married couples I know with children take vacations and do activities together, work together as a team, and are happy.  Apparently, marriage and children do not have to be the end of a person's life.

I am just livid to think that the last four years of my life could have been filled with joy and satisfaction, rather than with depression, anger, hatred, and misery, if only A* was a better husband, friend, and/or person.

So anyway, moving forward.  I have been making a greater effort to do things on my own with J and to learn what there is to do around here.  My fear is for the future and for J, whose parents will never do anything together with him because his father does not allow it.  And if A* gets custody of J like he wants, J will also grow up without his mother.  All of this because his father was such a failure as a husband/father in the first place and screwed it up for everybody.

Thanks a lot, A*.