I am so effing stressed. More and more recently, I feel like there's a wolf at the door, biding his time until he bursts through and rips my throat out. Graphic? Yes. Valid? Maybe.
I'm on the verge of a potential lawsuit and the stress of not knowing whether it is going to happen (and then, if it does happen, how I'll pay for a lawyer) is killing me. Perhaps it would be better to know. Perhaps it wouldn't. Right now, it feels like it would.
I check my email near-constantly for word from my estate attorney regarding the matter. Small joyful moments in my life are interrupted by the realization that this could be happening. I'm thinking about going to my doctor for anti-anxiety medication.
I hope that by the time I write again, I know how this is going to turn out. I believe in this instance, no news is bad news. And every day with no news is badder and badder and badder.
Sigh.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
The Year of the Dragon
I've just set a goal for 2012. Simplify! I need to simplify my life, get back to my down-to-earth roots, and live more humbly. Doing this will make subsequent SMART goals easier to set and achieve. To make this life change sustainable, I am taking baby steps; one or two goals at a time. My first two goals are crucial, so I am laying them both out today:
1. Put the phone away when I am with my son. I read an article this morning on CNN.com describing a Standard University study on children's social development when they spend too much time using technology and multitasking. The gist is that kids who interact with people mostly through (or while using) technology have a diminished capacity to successfully communicate with others, to understand people's emotions, and to know how to deal with people in general. Basically, they are little sociopaths. I use technology and multitask CONSTANTLY when I am with my son. My actions not only slight him, but set a very poor example, as well. The time we spend together in face-to-face interaction (not his face to me, my face to my phone) is crucial to his social and emotional development. Starting today, I vow to do better. When I am with my son, NO PHONE (unless I'm looking up movie times or some other necessary information).
2. Be a more conscientious consumer. Of food. Of media. Of information. Of anything I let into my and my son's life. We are inundated with crap (in food, in media, in information, in general). We just need to cut the crap. I have started being more careful about the food I buy, buying more fresh/natural products and leaving foods filled with chemicals on the grocery store shelf. I am preparing more homemade foods. Eating more vegetables and less meat. For all my attempts in the past to get him to eat vegetables and healthy food, my son only likes junk food and fruit (but fruit does not a meal make). He hasn't touched a vegetable in a VERY long time. As an alternative to letting him starve, I have acquiesced to his fickle tastes (letting him eat macaroni & cheese, PB&J, hot dogs, and cereal for most meals). Starting today, I am revamping my efforts to get him to be a good, healthy eater. Furthermore, I will make smart choices about how we spend our time, the movies we watch, games we play, and things we buy. Only good things in, please. Everything else must go.
That is it for today. My next goal: stop being wasteful. I'll tackle this one next week.
1. Put the phone away when I am with my son. I read an article this morning on CNN.com describing a Standard University study on children's social development when they spend too much time using technology and multitasking. The gist is that kids who interact with people mostly through (or while using) technology have a diminished capacity to successfully communicate with others, to understand people's emotions, and to know how to deal with people in general. Basically, they are little sociopaths. I use technology and multitask CONSTANTLY when I am with my son. My actions not only slight him, but set a very poor example, as well. The time we spend together in face-to-face interaction (not his face to me, my face to my phone) is crucial to his social and emotional development. Starting today, I vow to do better. When I am with my son, NO PHONE (unless I'm looking up movie times or some other necessary information).
2. Be a more conscientious consumer. Of food. Of media. Of information. Of anything I let into my and my son's life. We are inundated with crap (in food, in media, in information, in general). We just need to cut the crap. I have started being more careful about the food I buy, buying more fresh/natural products and leaving foods filled with chemicals on the grocery store shelf. I am preparing more homemade foods. Eating more vegetables and less meat. For all my attempts in the past to get him to eat vegetables and healthy food, my son only likes junk food and fruit (but fruit does not a meal make). He hasn't touched a vegetable in a VERY long time. As an alternative to letting him starve, I have acquiesced to his fickle tastes (letting him eat macaroni & cheese, PB&J, hot dogs, and cereal for most meals). Starting today, I am revamping my efforts to get him to be a good, healthy eater. Furthermore, I will make smart choices about how we spend our time, the movies we watch, games we play, and things we buy. Only good things in, please. Everything else must go.
That is it for today. My next goal: stop being wasteful. I'll tackle this one next week.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Indecisiveness
Today, I begin my final class for my Master's Degree in Educational Leadership/Student Affairs Administration. What will I do with this degree? Continue in my current job, with no pay raise or fanfare.
Ugh.
For no sensible reason, I began researching out-of-state grad schools this morning. Why would I do this? I really don't know. Thinking about the prospect is actually giving me chest pains.
Nonetheless, there's this little voice somewhere in the back of my mind telling me that someday, possibly in the next year, I may want to leave Michigan (which will mean leaving my son or toting him with me as a single mom) to complete another degree at a prestigious and respectable university. JUST IN CASE I somehow muster the courage to do this, I'd better be prepared, right?
This is not the first time I've done this. It happens at least once per year. Perhaps it is a distraction from the melancholy of my life. Usually, it makes me feel hopeful. This time, it's making me very nervous...
Maybe that means I'm actually planning to go through with it.
Ugh.
For no sensible reason, I began researching out-of-state grad schools this morning. Why would I do this? I really don't know. Thinking about the prospect is actually giving me chest pains.
Nonetheless, there's this little voice somewhere in the back of my mind telling me that someday, possibly in the next year, I may want to leave Michigan (which will mean leaving my son or toting him with me as a single mom) to complete another degree at a prestigious and respectable university. JUST IN CASE I somehow muster the courage to do this, I'd better be prepared, right?
This is not the first time I've done this. It happens at least once per year. Perhaps it is a distraction from the melancholy of my life. Usually, it makes me feel hopeful. This time, it's making me very nervous...
Maybe that means I'm actually planning to go through with it.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
2012: MY year
It has been a while since I've written. Much has happened since October, and I am seriously looking forward to the coming year. In late October, I took my son on a [business] trip to Chicago, and he had such a blast that he still talks about wanting to go back. What did he love about this wondrous city? The hotel tv, swimming pool, and UNBELIEVABLE continental breakfast. At least he's a cheap date!
The days before and after Chicago, I moved into my own house. It is an adorable little cottage in the middle of town, very convenient and close to everything. My gas, food, and utility costs have gone down drastically, and I finally have my own space to breathe. Before moving, I was afraid I would be lonely and bored in my own place. It is so untrue (at least most of the time). It is amazing.
I took a road trip during the week of Thanksgiving to visit some old friends in New York and my family in Virginia. It was good to get away and reconnect. I had honestly forgotten what it feels like to be with people who really care about me.
December was a whirlwind. I found a new attorney to help me with my grandfather's estate administration (although I'm still waiting for him to send me a retainer agreement). He seems extremely competent and approachable, and if his fee and title are any indication, he MUST be good. I am confident the estate will be closed by the end of the year (I felt the same way coming into 2011, but incompetent legal counsel made that impossible). I am not sure right now how the legal fees will get paid, but I'm not allowing that to stop me from moving forward any longer. Doing nothing is NOT an option.
I had two weeks paid vacation for the holidays. That is always a welcome relief. I used the time to improve myself, spend time with my son, and reflect on my expectations for the coming year. My husband, son, and I spent Christmas together at my house so we wouldn't have to divide the holiday. I cooked a fantastic meal--if I do say so myself--using a Food Network recipe for turkey stuffed with sage butter and covered with maple glaze and bacon. I can't get over how good it was. The gravy made from the drippings was--and I hate to use this word, but it is most fitting--divine! It was heavenly. It was close to godliness. Next time I make it (and I certainly will soon), I'm going to try the included recipe for homemade cornbread stuffing. I can only imagine how wonderful it is.
We were supposed to have our final divorce hearing today, but postponed it three months. Too much going on right now to deal with splitting assets and debt. Also, my husband can't afford to pay his attorney. I am a kind and generous person.
Now I am back at work and happy about it. Too much idle time makes me crazy. A friend just notified me he might be joining the Foreign Service and has peaked my interest in that prospect again. I'm researching it as we speak. Also, I won a random drawing this morning from the local radio station for a $20 gift card to a great Chinese restaurant in town.
In short, things are going swimmingly.
I have resolved to start an [interesting] blog this year. Still trying to decide on a topic. Apparently I need to set a goal and then follow it in prose. More to come on that in the near future.
The days before and after Chicago, I moved into my own house. It is an adorable little cottage in the middle of town, very convenient and close to everything. My gas, food, and utility costs have gone down drastically, and I finally have my own space to breathe. Before moving, I was afraid I would be lonely and bored in my own place. It is so untrue (at least most of the time). It is amazing.
I took a road trip during the week of Thanksgiving to visit some old friends in New York and my family in Virginia. It was good to get away and reconnect. I had honestly forgotten what it feels like to be with people who really care about me.
December was a whirlwind. I found a new attorney to help me with my grandfather's estate administration (although I'm still waiting for him to send me a retainer agreement). He seems extremely competent and approachable, and if his fee and title are any indication, he MUST be good. I am confident the estate will be closed by the end of the year (I felt the same way coming into 2011, but incompetent legal counsel made that impossible). I am not sure right now how the legal fees will get paid, but I'm not allowing that to stop me from moving forward any longer. Doing nothing is NOT an option.
I had two weeks paid vacation for the holidays. That is always a welcome relief. I used the time to improve myself, spend time with my son, and reflect on my expectations for the coming year. My husband, son, and I spent Christmas together at my house so we wouldn't have to divide the holiday. I cooked a fantastic meal--if I do say so myself--using a Food Network recipe for turkey stuffed with sage butter and covered with maple glaze and bacon. I can't get over how good it was. The gravy made from the drippings was--and I hate to use this word, but it is most fitting--divine! It was heavenly. It was close to godliness. Next time I make it (and I certainly will soon), I'm going to try the included recipe for homemade cornbread stuffing. I can only imagine how wonderful it is.
We were supposed to have our final divorce hearing today, but postponed it three months. Too much going on right now to deal with splitting assets and debt. Also, my husband can't afford to pay his attorney. I am a kind and generous person.
Now I am back at work and happy about it. Too much idle time makes me crazy. A friend just notified me he might be joining the Foreign Service and has peaked my interest in that prospect again. I'm researching it as we speak. Also, I won a random drawing this morning from the local radio station for a $20 gift card to a great Chinese restaurant in town.
In short, things are going swimmingly.
I have resolved to start an [interesting] blog this year. Still trying to decide on a topic. Apparently I need to set a goal and then follow it in prose. More to come on that in the near future.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Shazam!
I was feeling pretty lonely yesterday on the ride home from town. It was overcast, getting dark earlier than it used to, cold and bleak. I was thinking about being alone and single, about my life changing dramatically in a couple weeks when I move into my own place. It should be an exciting time, but it's also a very scary time for me.
I was thinking about this guy I've been talking to that I like, but who doesn't feel the same way about me, and about the hopelessness of finding love again. And about being far away from the friends I used to have.
Then something happened that made me feel a little better. The song "Oh Lord" by Foxy Shazam started playing on the radio. I was touched because one of my oldest childhood friends in New Jersey (whom I only recently got back in touch with via Facebook) manages Foxy Shazam, and hearing the song when I felt so desolate reminded me that the world is very large, that I am connected to it, and that manifestations of friends can reach me even in this isolated town from very far away. Knowing that, if I hadn't reconnected with this friend on Facebook and hadn't known he was affiliated with this band, I could have listened to that song without ever realizing the connection I had with it made me realize that there may be lots of other little moments like that that I overlook every day. Maybe things that my old friends, colleagues, and acquaintances have created or had a part in DO reach me in Mt. Pleasant, and I just don't know it. Maybe we are connected in that way even if we do not see or talk to each other anymore.
Most importantly, it helped me to remember that even though I'm stuck in Mt. Pleasant, I am not alone. I really needed that yesterday.
I was thinking about this guy I've been talking to that I like, but who doesn't feel the same way about me, and about the hopelessness of finding love again. And about being far away from the friends I used to have.
Then something happened that made me feel a little better. The song "Oh Lord" by Foxy Shazam started playing on the radio. I was touched because one of my oldest childhood friends in New Jersey (whom I only recently got back in touch with via Facebook) manages Foxy Shazam, and hearing the song when I felt so desolate reminded me that the world is very large, that I am connected to it, and that manifestations of friends can reach me even in this isolated town from very far away. Knowing that, if I hadn't reconnected with this friend on Facebook and hadn't known he was affiliated with this band, I could have listened to that song without ever realizing the connection I had with it made me realize that there may be lots of other little moments like that that I overlook every day. Maybe things that my old friends, colleagues, and acquaintances have created or had a part in DO reach me in Mt. Pleasant, and I just don't know it. Maybe we are connected in that way even if we do not see or talk to each other anymore.
Most importantly, it helped me to remember that even though I'm stuck in Mt. Pleasant, I am not alone. I really needed that yesterday.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Putting things in perspective
Steve Jobs died yesterday. He was a visionary and an innovator, although not necessarily the best specimen of a human being. Nonetheless, his drive and success are duly inspirational. This quote floating around Facebook resonates with me:
"I believe life is an intelligent thing, that things aren't random" (1997).
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Update
A* and I were supposed to have a custody hearing last Friday, but we spoke on Wednesday and came up with a custody arrangement instead. It is completely fair and equitable with no child support. So I guess the hard part's settled. Next comes splitting of property and debts. Then we can finalize in December and are done.
I am looking for my own place to live, but am torn between buying a house and renting. Each has its pros and cons. My biggest concern is cost, since I don't know if and what I can afford, and then finding a place that is nice for J and I to live.
I visited NYC a couple weeks ago and had a great time. I am slowly but surely becoming a human being again (instead of just a mom and discontent wife). It is difficult to reconcile the two (being a human and being a mom, specifically), because it takes a lot of selflessness to be a good parent. But I do feel more fulfilled.
I've been talking to a very old guy friend a lot over the last couple weeks, which has given me a nice reprieve from my worries. But there's a lot of ambiguity in our relationship and it's starting to present its own challenges. I don't know how long it will last and am afraid it's already on the decline. But it's been nice for what it's worth. Whatever happens happens.
I'm feeling a lot of turmoil today. Having trouble concentrating at work again. Listening to the angriest (and thus, most passionate) hardcore music on my iPhone is my way of meditating. After the turmoil subsides, I need to come up with a plan for my future.
I am looking for my own place to live, but am torn between buying a house and renting. Each has its pros and cons. My biggest concern is cost, since I don't know if and what I can afford, and then finding a place that is nice for J and I to live.
I visited NYC a couple weeks ago and had a great time. I am slowly but surely becoming a human being again (instead of just a mom and discontent wife). It is difficult to reconcile the two (being a human and being a mom, specifically), because it takes a lot of selflessness to be a good parent. But I do feel more fulfilled.
I've been talking to a very old guy friend a lot over the last couple weeks, which has given me a nice reprieve from my worries. But there's a lot of ambiguity in our relationship and it's starting to present its own challenges. I don't know how long it will last and am afraid it's already on the decline. But it's been nice for what it's worth. Whatever happens happens.
I'm feeling a lot of turmoil today. Having trouble concentrating at work again. Listening to the angriest (and thus, most passionate) hardcore music on my iPhone is my way of meditating. After the turmoil subsides, I need to come up with a plan for my future.
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