We went to see fireworks last night. Andy reminded me that it is only the 2nd time we have seen fireworks as a family; other years, Andy was working or couldn’t bother to take us out. His family doesn’t celebrate in any other way, and Andy doesn’t celebrate holidays (any of them) unless his family has a gathering scheduled. When I was a kid, we didn’t really celebrate holidays either… I wanted things to be different for my family and, especially, for my son.
Most holidays in this marriage have been equally un-celebratory. Andy works every holiday of the year, except Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day. He has hotly maintained throughout our marriage that holidays are work days, and further, that he is at the mercy of his schedule throughout the year, which may mean working at 5:30 a.m., overnights, 7-4 shifts, 10-7 shifts, or 1-10 shifts (usually), attending store meetings at 6:00 a.m., and going into work on his days off. His job has never been family-friendly, and he has always reminded me of that when I ask him to spend more time at home. His job comes first, his family second. To accommodate this, my job has always come second; I have always put my family first, partly because it is the right thing to do and partly because I have no other choice—Andy has placed that burden on me.
Now, with the looming divorce, Andy has completely changed his story. According to him, when we are divorced, his work will NOT conflict with his parental responsibilities, he will take vacations whenever necessary (including holidays), and have a schedule that works around his son, not vice versa. I have learned over the years that the truth is whatever is most convenient for Andy at the time. He lies frequently, usually daily. I learned to doubt EVERYTHING he says many months ago. I told him today that I don’t know when he is telling the truth and when he is lying. Was he telling the truth before when he blamed his work for his inability to spend time with his family, or is he telling the truth now when he says his work will no longer get in the way of caring for his son? I believed for many years the “truth” he told about his work schedule, and I have absolutely no reason to believe the “truth” he is telling now. It really worries me, because I want Jayson to have a relationship and equal time with his father, but I just don’t know how Andy can manage it. If Andy cannot be consistently there for Jayson, it will be better for Jayson to see him less.
This afternoon, we talked about how we are going to do custody on holidays. I feel that Andy’s custodial time is HIS and not his parents’, so if it is his day with Jayson, he needs to be there for him. If he will not be able to care for Jayson on those days, he should not ask to have him. Andy got angry and refused to discuss this, only saying that it would not be fair for him not to have custodial holidays just because he wouldn’t be there. He suggested yesterday that his custodial days are also his parents’, so they should be able to watch Jayson for him (at least, I cannot protest this and it is none of my business what goes on those days). I explained that it would not be in Jayson’s best interest to be bounced around between THREE families, sometimes going to my house, sometimes to Andy’s, and other times to Andy’s parents’ house. Andy’s schedule changes from week to week, and the custody arrangement (which we haven’t been able to discuss yet, because I am waiting for Andy to figure out a way to be consistent) is already guaranteed to leave Jayson insecure and disoriented. Andy’s inconsistent schedule has been very hard for me (he doesn’t know what his schedule will be from day to day sometimes, because he does not inform me of his schedule ahead of time and forgets when he is supposed to work), and I can’t imagine how much harder it is for Jayson. Jayson often expresses negative feelings about Andy, saying “I don’t like him,” frequently refusing to allow Andy to play with him, and almost ALWAYS refusing to allow Andy to assist or help him with his needs—he always wants me. Andy blames me for this (as if I have turned Jayson against him), but I believe it is because Jayson resents him for being so inconsistent in his life. It breaks my heart when Jayson tells me he doesn’t like his dad, because he is too young and innocent to harbor such resentment. I just want him to be happy.
Since Andy notified me of the divorce, I have been devastated for Jayson, thinking about how it is going to tear his life apart. But as yesterday progressed, I started to realize that Jayson has never had a family that did activities together, celebrated holidays, took vacations, or had many happy memories as a unit (thanks to Andy and his refusal to participate). For a while, when Andy was renovating the new house, Jayson called one house “Mama’s house” and one house “Daddy’s house.” He is actually very used to his parents being apart. Maybe the change will not be as hard on him as I first thought. Or maybe yesterday was just a bad day—Jayson was very negative toward Andy yesterday.
Andy also revealed yesterday that I have been uninvited to all of his upcoming events—the family camping trip later this month, his high school reunion (apparently also this month; he never even told me about it), his friend’s wedding, and all future family gatherings. I learned this through offhand remarks; he did not tell me directly, as if I didn’t even need to be told and should just KNOW. It is like Andy has already written me out of his life. Okay. Except that Andy’s family and friends are the only connections I have in this town (other than my coworkers, whom I prefer to keep separate from my personal life). Andy has alienated me from all of my family and friends, first by moving me to Michigan, hundreds or thousands of miles away from my family and friends. Second, by refusing to travel back to the east coast to visit my family. In the four years since we moved here, we have only traveled to Virginia ONE time so Jayson could see my family—in 2009, when Jayson was one. Usually he uses work as an excuse, promising that we can go months or weeks in advance, but then at the last minute saying he has not requested the vacation and it is now too late to do so (without any apology or remorse). He has done this more times than I can count, and for all kinds of different events and occasions. We were supposed to travel down in October 2008 so my family could meet Jayson for the first time, but Andy pulled the “I didn’t request vacation” stunt, and we couldn’t go. He refused to travel down anytime after that until October 2009, when we successfully drove down for a few days. We planned to travel down the next year (2010), again in October, but Jayson came down with bronchitis the day before the trip, so the trip was canceled. Then, my sister informed me that she was having an Easter get-together for the whole family in April 2011. I asked Andy many times over the next several months, but he flatly refused. When I asked why, he had no reason except that he “just didn’t want to.” I had always been afraid to travel alone with Jayson, but by this year, I decided that Andy wasn’t going to stop me again from seeing my family, so I decided I would go on the trip with or without him. I told him in March that we were going to my sister’s Easter party. He had enough time to request the vacation, but he chose not to. I had to take Jayson to Virginia alone, but I did it, because I would not allow Andy to keep Jayson from having a relationship with my family any longer (this was the second time Jayson visited Virginia in his life). Over the years, I have taken Jayson on many trips and outings alone; I realized long ago that if we waited for Andy, we would spend the rest of our lives sitting in our house doing nothing. But traveling to see my family is difficult and scary when it is just me and Jayson, so I have put it off. Plus, there is no room in our budget for traveling, since Andy has spent us so far into debt and most of our income goes to paying off those debts. The best solution would be to move closer to my family, but Andy will fight me forever to keep Jayson in Michigan. His desires, his needs, his family, and his life have always trumped mine.
So for the last four years, I have only seen my family (with two exceptions) when they drive to Michigan to see me. They cannot afford to fly, so they drive 13 hours each way whenever they get a chance (usually once a year) and stay for a day or two before making the return trip. It is difficult for them, but worth the trouble. Jayson’s first Christmas, I paid for my mom to fly up so she could see him. That was the last time I could afford to buy her a plane ticket.
Now I am getting divorced from Andy, his family, and his friends (although he hasn’t allowed me to see his friends in a long time, and has not even introduced me to some of them). I am alone. I cannot leave Michigan, because I cannot leave my son. I have no family here and only coworkers, not real friends. I have spent my entire time here at work or at home caring for Jayson, and have not had a chance to meet anybody. In my classes I had many casual friends, but nobody I could really relate to. It did occur to me today that I can make new friends, that I will not always be alone. But for now, I am disheartened that Andy has just cut me off from all of my personal connections in town, considering that we are still married and living together and that we want to maintain a good relationship for Jayson (Andy makes that harder and harder everyday by his actions; consistently, his words and his actions contradict each other, like when he said that divorce was never an option, but pushed us closer and closer to divorce EVERY DAY through his choice of actions). He has a built-in support network (a huge family and lots of friends and family friends—he has lived in this town his whole life and knows everybody). He has no empathy for me or my situation, and cares not that he has put me here. He is clueless and cruel.
And with all the debt he has built up since we have been married, I don’t know if I will be able to afford to travel to see my friends and family after we are divorced. We have not discussed how we will split the debt yet. It is a discussion that will probably halt all other negotiations and send us straight to our attorneys. I think we are both dreading it. Until I know how the debt will be split, I cannot even attempt to figure out what my financial situation will be, where I can afford to live, etc. Everything hinges on that.
I feel totally trapped and powerless right now.
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