It's been over a month since announcement of the divorce. I've told my family and a couple friends and co-workers. I've basically run through a gamut of emotions and settled into acceptance. A* and I have been getting along better than usual, probably because I don't view his many flaws as my problem anymore (at least not for long); I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Our sex life is better than it has been in a long time; it feels kind of wrong, kind of dirty, which makes it exciting. But once the divorce is finalized, so are we.
We haven't spoken about the divorce or the future in weeks, but I've been making plans of my own. Travel, seeing old friends, buying a house (possibly on the lake). I'm about to inherit some money, which dramatically decreases my stress and terror about the future. I now feel that Jayson will be okay. I'm even thinking about going back to school full-time, although I can't quit my job until I have corrective jaw surgery, which is a couple-years-long process with braces and everything. Ugh. It does, however, give me plenty of time to prep for the GREs, save some money, apply to as many schools as I want, and make an informed decision about what I want to do with my life. Currently the options are law school or a doctoral school psychology program. I'm leaning toward the latter.
I've been working on re-building relationships with people other than my husband--old friends from elementary school and college, and a few previous co-workers. I'm particularly attracted to a guy who lives in New York and is obviously not a good match for me. But he has a zest for life and is exciting and totally gorgeous. Being interested in other guys (even the out-of-reach, and let's face it: they all are) helps take my mind off my current relationship problem and gives me a glimmer of hope for the future. Maybe I won't be alone forever.
Just maybe.
I've decided to be more committed to journaling, so I will check back in soon. I promise.
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