I am so effing stressed. More and more recently, I feel like there's a wolf at the door, biding his time until he bursts through and rips my throat out. Graphic? Yes. Valid? Maybe.
I'm on the verge of a potential lawsuit and the stress of not knowing whether it is going to happen (and then, if it does happen, how I'll pay for a lawyer) is killing me. Perhaps it would be better to know. Perhaps it wouldn't. Right now, it feels like it would.
I check my email near-constantly for word from my estate attorney regarding the matter. Small joyful moments in my life are interrupted by the realization that this could be happening. I'm thinking about going to my doctor for anti-anxiety medication.
I hope that by the time I write again, I know how this is going to turn out. I believe in this instance, no news is bad news. And every day with no news is badder and badder and badder.
Sigh.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
The Year of the Dragon
I've just set a goal for 2012. Simplify! I need to simplify my life, get back to my down-to-earth roots, and live more humbly. Doing this will make subsequent SMART goals easier to set and achieve. To make this life change sustainable, I am taking baby steps; one or two goals at a time. My first two goals are crucial, so I am laying them both out today:
1. Put the phone away when I am with my son. I read an article this morning on CNN.com describing a Standard University study on children's social development when they spend too much time using technology and multitasking. The gist is that kids who interact with people mostly through (or while using) technology have a diminished capacity to successfully communicate with others, to understand people's emotions, and to know how to deal with people in general. Basically, they are little sociopaths. I use technology and multitask CONSTANTLY when I am with my son. My actions not only slight him, but set a very poor example, as well. The time we spend together in face-to-face interaction (not his face to me, my face to my phone) is crucial to his social and emotional development. Starting today, I vow to do better. When I am with my son, NO PHONE (unless I'm looking up movie times or some other necessary information).
2. Be a more conscientious consumer. Of food. Of media. Of information. Of anything I let into my and my son's life. We are inundated with crap (in food, in media, in information, in general). We just need to cut the crap. I have started being more careful about the food I buy, buying more fresh/natural products and leaving foods filled with chemicals on the grocery store shelf. I am preparing more homemade foods. Eating more vegetables and less meat. For all my attempts in the past to get him to eat vegetables and healthy food, my son only likes junk food and fruit (but fruit does not a meal make). He hasn't touched a vegetable in a VERY long time. As an alternative to letting him starve, I have acquiesced to his fickle tastes (letting him eat macaroni & cheese, PB&J, hot dogs, and cereal for most meals). Starting today, I am revamping my efforts to get him to be a good, healthy eater. Furthermore, I will make smart choices about how we spend our time, the movies we watch, games we play, and things we buy. Only good things in, please. Everything else must go.
That is it for today. My next goal: stop being wasteful. I'll tackle this one next week.
1. Put the phone away when I am with my son. I read an article this morning on CNN.com describing a Standard University study on children's social development when they spend too much time using technology and multitasking. The gist is that kids who interact with people mostly through (or while using) technology have a diminished capacity to successfully communicate with others, to understand people's emotions, and to know how to deal with people in general. Basically, they are little sociopaths. I use technology and multitask CONSTANTLY when I am with my son. My actions not only slight him, but set a very poor example, as well. The time we spend together in face-to-face interaction (not his face to me, my face to my phone) is crucial to his social and emotional development. Starting today, I vow to do better. When I am with my son, NO PHONE (unless I'm looking up movie times or some other necessary information).
2. Be a more conscientious consumer. Of food. Of media. Of information. Of anything I let into my and my son's life. We are inundated with crap (in food, in media, in information, in general). We just need to cut the crap. I have started being more careful about the food I buy, buying more fresh/natural products and leaving foods filled with chemicals on the grocery store shelf. I am preparing more homemade foods. Eating more vegetables and less meat. For all my attempts in the past to get him to eat vegetables and healthy food, my son only likes junk food and fruit (but fruit does not a meal make). He hasn't touched a vegetable in a VERY long time. As an alternative to letting him starve, I have acquiesced to his fickle tastes (letting him eat macaroni & cheese, PB&J, hot dogs, and cereal for most meals). Starting today, I am revamping my efforts to get him to be a good, healthy eater. Furthermore, I will make smart choices about how we spend our time, the movies we watch, games we play, and things we buy. Only good things in, please. Everything else must go.
That is it for today. My next goal: stop being wasteful. I'll tackle this one next week.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Indecisiveness
Today, I begin my final class for my Master's Degree in Educational Leadership/Student Affairs Administration. What will I do with this degree? Continue in my current job, with no pay raise or fanfare.
Ugh.
For no sensible reason, I began researching out-of-state grad schools this morning. Why would I do this? I really don't know. Thinking about the prospect is actually giving me chest pains.
Nonetheless, there's this little voice somewhere in the back of my mind telling me that someday, possibly in the next year, I may want to leave Michigan (which will mean leaving my son or toting him with me as a single mom) to complete another degree at a prestigious and respectable university. JUST IN CASE I somehow muster the courage to do this, I'd better be prepared, right?
This is not the first time I've done this. It happens at least once per year. Perhaps it is a distraction from the melancholy of my life. Usually, it makes me feel hopeful. This time, it's making me very nervous...
Maybe that means I'm actually planning to go through with it.
Ugh.
For no sensible reason, I began researching out-of-state grad schools this morning. Why would I do this? I really don't know. Thinking about the prospect is actually giving me chest pains.
Nonetheless, there's this little voice somewhere in the back of my mind telling me that someday, possibly in the next year, I may want to leave Michigan (which will mean leaving my son or toting him with me as a single mom) to complete another degree at a prestigious and respectable university. JUST IN CASE I somehow muster the courage to do this, I'd better be prepared, right?
This is not the first time I've done this. It happens at least once per year. Perhaps it is a distraction from the melancholy of my life. Usually, it makes me feel hopeful. This time, it's making me very nervous...
Maybe that means I'm actually planning to go through with it.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
2012: MY year
It has been a while since I've written. Much has happened since October, and I am seriously looking forward to the coming year. In late October, I took my son on a [business] trip to Chicago, and he had such a blast that he still talks about wanting to go back. What did he love about this wondrous city? The hotel tv, swimming pool, and UNBELIEVABLE continental breakfast. At least he's a cheap date!
The days before and after Chicago, I moved into my own house. It is an adorable little cottage in the middle of town, very convenient and close to everything. My gas, food, and utility costs have gone down drastically, and I finally have my own space to breathe. Before moving, I was afraid I would be lonely and bored in my own place. It is so untrue (at least most of the time). It is amazing.
I took a road trip during the week of Thanksgiving to visit some old friends in New York and my family in Virginia. It was good to get away and reconnect. I had honestly forgotten what it feels like to be with people who really care about me.
December was a whirlwind. I found a new attorney to help me with my grandfather's estate administration (although I'm still waiting for him to send me a retainer agreement). He seems extremely competent and approachable, and if his fee and title are any indication, he MUST be good. I am confident the estate will be closed by the end of the year (I felt the same way coming into 2011, but incompetent legal counsel made that impossible). I am not sure right now how the legal fees will get paid, but I'm not allowing that to stop me from moving forward any longer. Doing nothing is NOT an option.
I had two weeks paid vacation for the holidays. That is always a welcome relief. I used the time to improve myself, spend time with my son, and reflect on my expectations for the coming year. My husband, son, and I spent Christmas together at my house so we wouldn't have to divide the holiday. I cooked a fantastic meal--if I do say so myself--using a Food Network recipe for turkey stuffed with sage butter and covered with maple glaze and bacon. I can't get over how good it was. The gravy made from the drippings was--and I hate to use this word, but it is most fitting--divine! It was heavenly. It was close to godliness. Next time I make it (and I certainly will soon), I'm going to try the included recipe for homemade cornbread stuffing. I can only imagine how wonderful it is.
We were supposed to have our final divorce hearing today, but postponed it three months. Too much going on right now to deal with splitting assets and debt. Also, my husband can't afford to pay his attorney. I am a kind and generous person.
Now I am back at work and happy about it. Too much idle time makes me crazy. A friend just notified me he might be joining the Foreign Service and has peaked my interest in that prospect again. I'm researching it as we speak. Also, I won a random drawing this morning from the local radio station for a $20 gift card to a great Chinese restaurant in town.
In short, things are going swimmingly.
I have resolved to start an [interesting] blog this year. Still trying to decide on a topic. Apparently I need to set a goal and then follow it in prose. More to come on that in the near future.
The days before and after Chicago, I moved into my own house. It is an adorable little cottage in the middle of town, very convenient and close to everything. My gas, food, and utility costs have gone down drastically, and I finally have my own space to breathe. Before moving, I was afraid I would be lonely and bored in my own place. It is so untrue (at least most of the time). It is amazing.
I took a road trip during the week of Thanksgiving to visit some old friends in New York and my family in Virginia. It was good to get away and reconnect. I had honestly forgotten what it feels like to be with people who really care about me.
December was a whirlwind. I found a new attorney to help me with my grandfather's estate administration (although I'm still waiting for him to send me a retainer agreement). He seems extremely competent and approachable, and if his fee and title are any indication, he MUST be good. I am confident the estate will be closed by the end of the year (I felt the same way coming into 2011, but incompetent legal counsel made that impossible). I am not sure right now how the legal fees will get paid, but I'm not allowing that to stop me from moving forward any longer. Doing nothing is NOT an option.
I had two weeks paid vacation for the holidays. That is always a welcome relief. I used the time to improve myself, spend time with my son, and reflect on my expectations for the coming year. My husband, son, and I spent Christmas together at my house so we wouldn't have to divide the holiday. I cooked a fantastic meal--if I do say so myself--using a Food Network recipe for turkey stuffed with sage butter and covered with maple glaze and bacon. I can't get over how good it was. The gravy made from the drippings was--and I hate to use this word, but it is most fitting--divine! It was heavenly. It was close to godliness. Next time I make it (and I certainly will soon), I'm going to try the included recipe for homemade cornbread stuffing. I can only imagine how wonderful it is.
We were supposed to have our final divorce hearing today, but postponed it three months. Too much going on right now to deal with splitting assets and debt. Also, my husband can't afford to pay his attorney. I am a kind and generous person.
Now I am back at work and happy about it. Too much idle time makes me crazy. A friend just notified me he might be joining the Foreign Service and has peaked my interest in that prospect again. I'm researching it as we speak. Also, I won a random drawing this morning from the local radio station for a $20 gift card to a great Chinese restaurant in town.
In short, things are going swimmingly.
I have resolved to start an [interesting] blog this year. Still trying to decide on a topic. Apparently I need to set a goal and then follow it in prose. More to come on that in the near future.
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