Weekend update: On Thursday, A* worked late (1-10pm), so he took J to daycare. After work, I picked J up from daycare and took him shopping for groceries and new shoes and clothes for soccer/Fall. I cooked dinner, gave J a bath, his allergy medicine, brushed teeth, read him a story, and put him to bed before A* arrived home. I also did some cleaning, ran a load of dishes and laundry.
A* had a day off Friday and stayed home with J. I went to meet with a new attorney Friday afternoon and got home early (around 4). Shortly after I arrived home, A* left to help his uncle move tree stands, and I cooked homemade lasagna and garlic bread for dinner, washed a load of dishes, and gave J his allergy medicine. A* came home after dinner, and I gave J his bath, brushed his teeth, read him a story, and put him to bed.
A* worked both Saturday (10-7) and Sunday (8-5), and I took care of J. Saturday evening, J and I went to my work-friend's house for a van-warming party, where we had dinner. We arrived home late, around 8:30/9:00, and A* and I let J stay up late to spend some time with A*. I brushed J's teeth, read him a story, and put him to bed.
On Sunday, J did not feel like going out, so we played at home. We worked on potty training in the morning and cooked tacos for lunch. After A* arrived home, we had leftover tacos for dinner and went to Remus for ice cream (for J's potty reward). We ate the ice cream in the car so we could get back home for A* to mow the lawn (upon his insistence). A* spent a couple hours mowing the lawn while I took care of J. I gave J a bath, medicine, brushed teeth, read him a story, and put him to bed.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
8.21.2011 - 8.25.2011
This is an update for the last couple days. This week has been very busy. A* had the day off on Sunday, but had to go into work from 6-8 a.m. We talked about doing something together in the morning (horse riding), but A* was too tired and we weren't sure where to go to do it. Then J didn't feel like going out. In the end, J and I ran out to pick up a pizza for lunch and we stayed home and watched Ninja Turtles. I can't remember what we did in the afternoon.
A* was supposed to work 7-4 Monday, be off Tuesday, work 1-10 Wednesday and today (Thursday), and be off Friday. I was supposed to work my usual 8-5 week and also have class from 4-7 on Tuesday.
How did this week actually turn out?
I dropped J off at daycare on Monday, and picked up his prescriptions from the pharmacy on my lunch, even though A* had ordered me not to buy them after we had a fight about money last week (see related post 8.18.2011). They came out to a little over $200 with insurance covering everything (except the nose spray, of all things), but usually it costs us around $125 JUST for the Xopenex. I ended up putting it on the credit card so A* wouldn't know I bought them, so we wouldn't have to have a fight about it, and also because A* has been withholding money from his paychecks and I'm not sure if we'll have enough money to pay the bills/mortgage over the next couple months. I have been keeping the medications in my car, because I'm afraid of how angry he'll get when he finds out I got them. I should not be made to feel like a criminal for buying my son his asthma/allergy medication (by the way, the reason A* didn't want me to buy the meds was not because we are OUT of money, but rather because he thinks we are WAY AHEAD with our money and knows we'll be more strapped for spending money if we waste it on things like J's medication or paying more than the minimum payments on our credit cards). Anyway.... J specifically requested that A* and I both pick him up from daycare, so we both picked him up at 5. I cooked dinner (Italian sausages on the grill and buttered noodles. I also grilled tomatoes, peppers, and onions from the garden and made a very chunky salsa out of them to go with the sausages). We have been low on groceries, so I'm making due on food from the pantry, freezer, and garden until I can make it to the store. At bedtime, I was going to tell J a story (instead of reading one), but he wanted A* to do it instead; he ended up telling a very funny story that J enjoyed.
On Tuesday (A*s day off), he ended up working 8-5. He was told at the end of the day on Monday that he had to attend a training in Gaylord all day. He arranged an additional day of daycare for J. I decided to drop my Tuesday class to spend some more time with J this semester, since it will be the last couple months (probably ever) that I have J every day. I dropped J off at school in the morning, returned my textbooks on my lunch hour, and then picked J up after work, so A* could go shoe shopping at Jay's after his training and then to his friend's house in the evening for a bow-shooting contest. I took J to Millpond Park for a picnic and we played there for a couple hours, got ice cream from the ice cream truck, walked in the woods and saw a family of deer. One was very curious and came very close to look at us for a couple minutes. J really enjoyed it. On the way home, around 7:30, J wanted to go to A*s friend's house, but we called him and he said he would not be there much longer. We went home and made mac & cheese for J's evening snack, and I gave him a bath. A* came home 8:30/9ish and I asked him to tell J a bedtime story like on Monday, which he did.
Wednesday, A worked until 10pm, and I was planning to take J grocery shopping after work/daycare. When I picked him up from daycare, though, he was having difficulty breathing (not wheezing, but obviously having a hard time getting his breath when he talked). I decided to take him straight home and give him his allergy medicine and a treatment. We ended up staying at home and taking it easy for the evening. I made a vegetable/bean/turkey/pasta soup with leftovers from the fridge. I gave J another treatment and we went to bed early. A* did some shopping after work and came home after we had gone to bed. He brought home just a couple foods--peanut butter, bread, donuts, milk, cottage cheese, and chips and dip--so J and I still need to go grocery shopping after work today (Thursday), if he's up to it.
A* was supposed to work 7-4 Monday, be off Tuesday, work 1-10 Wednesday and today (Thursday), and be off Friday. I was supposed to work my usual 8-5 week and also have class from 4-7 on Tuesday.
How did this week actually turn out?
I dropped J off at daycare on Monday, and picked up his prescriptions from the pharmacy on my lunch, even though A* had ordered me not to buy them after we had a fight about money last week (see related post 8.18.2011). They came out to a little over $200 with insurance covering everything (except the nose spray, of all things), but usually it costs us around $125 JUST for the Xopenex. I ended up putting it on the credit card so A* wouldn't know I bought them, so we wouldn't have to have a fight about it, and also because A* has been withholding money from his paychecks and I'm not sure if we'll have enough money to pay the bills/mortgage over the next couple months. I have been keeping the medications in my car, because I'm afraid of how angry he'll get when he finds out I got them. I should not be made to feel like a criminal for buying my son his asthma/allergy medication (by the way, the reason A* didn't want me to buy the meds was not because we are OUT of money, but rather because he thinks we are WAY AHEAD with our money and knows we'll be more strapped for spending money if we waste it on things like J's medication or paying more than the minimum payments on our credit cards). Anyway.... J specifically requested that A* and I both pick him up from daycare, so we both picked him up at 5. I cooked dinner (Italian sausages on the grill and buttered noodles. I also grilled tomatoes, peppers, and onions from the garden and made a very chunky salsa out of them to go with the sausages). We have been low on groceries, so I'm making due on food from the pantry, freezer, and garden until I can make it to the store. At bedtime, I was going to tell J a story (instead of reading one), but he wanted A* to do it instead; he ended up telling a very funny story that J enjoyed.
On Tuesday (A*s day off), he ended up working 8-5. He was told at the end of the day on Monday that he had to attend a training in Gaylord all day. He arranged an additional day of daycare for J. I decided to drop my Tuesday class to spend some more time with J this semester, since it will be the last couple months (probably ever) that I have J every day. I dropped J off at school in the morning, returned my textbooks on my lunch hour, and then picked J up after work, so A* could go shoe shopping at Jay's after his training and then to his friend's house in the evening for a bow-shooting contest. I took J to Millpond Park for a picnic and we played there for a couple hours, got ice cream from the ice cream truck, walked in the woods and saw a family of deer. One was very curious and came very close to look at us for a couple minutes. J really enjoyed it. On the way home, around 7:30, J wanted to go to A*s friend's house, but we called him and he said he would not be there much longer. We went home and made mac & cheese for J's evening snack, and I gave him a bath. A* came home 8:30/9ish and I asked him to tell J a bedtime story like on Monday, which he did.
Wednesday, A worked until 10pm, and I was planning to take J grocery shopping after work/daycare. When I picked him up from daycare, though, he was having difficulty breathing (not wheezing, but obviously having a hard time getting his breath when he talked). I decided to take him straight home and give him his allergy medicine and a treatment. We ended up staying at home and taking it easy for the evening. I made a vegetable/bean/turkey/pasta soup with leftovers from the fridge. I gave J another treatment and we went to bed early. A* did some shopping after work and came home after we had gone to bed. He brought home just a couple foods--peanut butter, bread, donuts, milk, cottage cheese, and chips and dip--so J and I still need to go grocery shopping after work today (Thursday), if he's up to it.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
8.20.2011
On Saturday, August 20 (yesterday), A* worked from 7-4, and then attended our friend's wedding until late at night. Although the invitation appears to have been sent for the whole family, A* told me that I had not been invited and that he could not take J because "kids were not invited because they couldn't afford food for everybody" or something like that. Clearly, he just did not want to bring J along, however, he chose to lie about the reason for not bringing him. I asked him to give that to me in writing, so I can disprove it later, if necessary. He lies often, which definitely illustrates the quality of his moral character. Without proof, though, it will be his word against mine (he will deny ever lying about anything--another lie).
So, I had planned to take J to Coldwater or Sanford Lake for a fun (and cheap) day out, but it was thunder storming most of the day. We ended up hanging out around the house, playing, and cleaning in the morning (dishes, taking out the trash, sorting J's toys, cleaning floors). Had cereal and sausage/egg/cheese sandwiches for breakfast and pb&j pancakes for lunch. In the afternoon, I took him to McDonalds to play in the indoor play-place, since I had promised him on Friday that I would (he never forgets a promise). After a couple hours there, we went to Chipp-A-Water Park and went for a hike on the Adventure Trail. We practically bumped into a deer and stood and stared at each other for a couple minutes. J thought it was cool. By the time we finished our hike and returned home, it was 8:15. Gave J a snack and a bath, and then read him a story and went to bed.
It is still overcast today, but I'd like to take J out to do something fun.
So, I had planned to take J to Coldwater or Sanford Lake for a fun (and cheap) day out, but it was thunder storming most of the day. We ended up hanging out around the house, playing, and cleaning in the morning (dishes, taking out the trash, sorting J's toys, cleaning floors). Had cereal and sausage/egg/cheese sandwiches for breakfast and pb&j pancakes for lunch. In the afternoon, I took him to McDonalds to play in the indoor play-place, since I had promised him on Friday that I would (he never forgets a promise). After a couple hours there, we went to Chipp-A-Water Park and went for a hike on the Adventure Trail. We practically bumped into a deer and stood and stared at each other for a couple minutes. J thought it was cool. By the time we finished our hike and returned home, it was 8:15. Gave J a snack and a bath, and then read him a story and went to bed.
It is still overcast today, but I'd like to take J out to do something fun.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
8.18.2011
This morning, I watched J again in the morning while getting ready for work (while A* slept in). A* forbid me from picking up J's prescriptions because he does not want to pay the money right now. He also forbid me from paying any more than the minimum due on our (actually, MY, even though the debt is mostly his) credit cards. He established that he will only pay 1/2 of any bills for the next few months (including J's meds), although he will NOT pay for anything this month except rent. In essence, this means that if I want to get J's meds or pay any bills, he will not contribute. I can't afford to pay them out of my paycheck alone, so I cannot do it. I have this exchange over text message, but am not sure how to get a copy to print out.
He also claimed that he has paid more than his share for these things in the past few months, even though he has been taking money OUT of his paycheck for personal spending money (like hundreds of dollars worth), and we earn very close to the same amount. His last paycheck was also only $400 after he took out his pocket money (supposedly for gas and food, although he still charges gas and food on his debit card). I have printed all our bank statements, so he is free to show me his contribution and how it relates to him being DONE PAYING FOR ANYTHING for the rest of the month. I suppose he expects me to pay for any bills, groceries, prescriptions, or otherwise in the meantime.
Also, he attempted to tell me how and when our bills need to be paid (or as far as he is concerned, NOT be paid), because he thinks he's such a financial wizard. He has no clue how our finances need to be budgeted to make sure we can cover all our bills throughout the month, because he has always forced me to take care of them (by refusing to do it himself).
I can't wait to be free from him financially. I told him to open his own bank account and start giving me half of all bill $$ by check, but the credit cards are a larger issue. He needs to get his debts off MY credit cards and into his own name. I suggested refinancing the house to get rid of the credit card debt related to the house--I doubt he will bite. Instead, he will probably get tremendously angry that I have suggested a way to solve his/our debt problem, even though the house (and debt) are also mine now. This is how he usually (read: always) reacts when I try to take steps to resolve our financial problems. He gets very angry when I use our money to pay some of our debt, instead of leaving it in the bank account to piss away on fast food and other unnecessary junk. He is totally in denial about his financial situation and hellbent on dragging me down with him.
Although we will not be married for much longer and his debts will not be mine for much longer, his attitude is going to be my problem forever. Marrying him was ABSOLUTELY HANDS DOWN the worst decision I have ever made in my life.
He also claimed that he has paid more than his share for these things in the past few months, even though he has been taking money OUT of his paycheck for personal spending money (like hundreds of dollars worth), and we earn very close to the same amount. His last paycheck was also only $400 after he took out his pocket money (supposedly for gas and food, although he still charges gas and food on his debit card). I have printed all our bank statements, so he is free to show me his contribution and how it relates to him being DONE PAYING FOR ANYTHING for the rest of the month. I suppose he expects me to pay for any bills, groceries, prescriptions, or otherwise in the meantime.
Also, he attempted to tell me how and when our bills need to be paid (or as far as he is concerned, NOT be paid), because he thinks he's such a financial wizard. He has no clue how our finances need to be budgeted to make sure we can cover all our bills throughout the month, because he has always forced me to take care of them (by refusing to do it himself).
I can't wait to be free from him financially. I told him to open his own bank account and start giving me half of all bill $$ by check, but the credit cards are a larger issue. He needs to get his debts off MY credit cards and into his own name. I suggested refinancing the house to get rid of the credit card debt related to the house--I doubt he will bite. Instead, he will probably get tremendously angry that I have suggested a way to solve his/our debt problem, even though the house (and debt) are also mine now. This is how he usually (read: always) reacts when I try to take steps to resolve our financial problems. He gets very angry when I use our money to pay some of our debt, instead of leaving it in the bank account to piss away on fast food and other unnecessary junk. He is totally in denial about his financial situation and hellbent on dragging me down with him.
Although we will not be married for much longer and his debts will not be mine for much longer, his attitude is going to be my problem forever. Marrying him was ABSOLUTELY HANDS DOWN the worst decision I have ever made in my life.
8.17.2011
This week has been very busy with new student arrivals and orientation. I will not attempt to recall everything I did on 8/15 - 8/16, but it included getting J ready for daycare (because A* worked early), doing dishes and laundry and general house cleaning.
On 8/17, I took care of J while getting read for work (while A* slept in), dropped off his prescriptions on my lunch hour, then picked him up from daycare and took him to a reception at CMU, to the playground, and home. He fell asleep on the ride home, and I washed dishes, cleaned up, and did a load of laundry. A* worked from 1-10pm, but didn't get out of work until 11:50.
On 8/17, I took care of J while getting read for work (while A* slept in), dropped off his prescriptions on my lunch hour, then picked him up from daycare and took him to a reception at CMU, to the playground, and home. He fell asleep on the ride home, and I washed dishes, cleaned up, and did a load of laundry. A* worked from 1-10pm, but didn't get out of work until 11:50.
Monday, August 15, 2011
8.14.2011
I decided I should start chronicling the things I do around the house and with Jayson, since A*s account is certainly going to differ when we're in court.
Yesterday, A* worked 8-5 (I had the weekend off). I took care of J all day, did the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, did some laundry, cleaned the living room and picked up toys in J's room. Cooked veggie omelettes for breakfast, had cold cuts for lunch, various snacks, and cooked meatloaf with homemade mashed potatoes and green beans from the garden for dinner. A* came home around 5:30, ate dinner, and went outside to shoot his bow. J fell asleep around 6:30 (we tried skipping his nap and I hoped he'd stay up until bedtime), and A* came in at 6:35 and then left around 7 to "go for a walk" on his uncle's property around the corner (scoping out the hunting grounds). J woke up shortly before 9 and A* returned a few minutes later. A* stayed up with J for a while (the only time A* spent with J all day), and I went to bed around 10.
Yesterday, A* worked 8-5 (I had the weekend off). I took care of J all day, did the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, did some laundry, cleaned the living room and picked up toys in J's room. Cooked veggie omelettes for breakfast, had cold cuts for lunch, various snacks, and cooked meatloaf with homemade mashed potatoes and green beans from the garden for dinner. A* came home around 5:30, ate dinner, and went outside to shoot his bow. J fell asleep around 6:30 (we tried skipping his nap and I hoped he'd stay up until bedtime), and A* came in at 6:35 and then left around 7 to "go for a walk" on his uncle's property around the corner (scoping out the hunting grounds). J woke up shortly before 9 and A* returned a few minutes later. A* stayed up with J for a while (the only time A* spent with J all day), and I went to bed around 10.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
One of A*s many failures as a husband and father
I am super frustrated this morning. Ughghgh. Yesterday, A* took J to his friends' house again for a bbq/party without inviting me. This is the umpteenth time he has taken J over there, and I have never met these people--who are A*s very good friends--even though they moved back to town nearly a year ago. He also did not invite me to his high school reunion a few weekends ago, and uninvited me from his family's annual camping trip in July (yes, we were planning to go as a family, then he told me I could not attend)--although both times he took J along.
I think it bugs me because I have been waiting for 3-4 years for A* to start participating in this family and doing things with us, and now that he has decided to do so, he has kicked me out of the picture. He has been organizing more activities to do with J, but never allows me to come. So basically, he is building a better relationship with J--which is a good thing--but only at my expense.
A bigger implication of this pattern of behavior is that, should A* get custody of J, he is sure to continue to exclude me from activities with my son. I, on the other hand, think it is imperative that we seek out opportunities to get together after the divorce and do things together with J. I understand (and have always understood) how important it is for J to do activities with his family as a whole, because I never had that when I was a kid. A* had it and completely takes it for granted (that, and taking vacations, spending holidays together, etc.), so he does not bother to do it for J. A* has never cared about spending time with his family (instead, he thinks his role in the family is to be at work and make money), although he will claim that he resisted getting divorced because he wanted J to have two married parents. A married family with parents who do not (EVER) do activities together with the child is no better than a divorced one, in my opinion. A*s sense of duty and commitment has ALWAYS stopped at just "being" married (legally, on paper), not acting like a family or working on the relationships or making any effort necessary to make the family successful. This is typical for him--he was raised to be very concerned about appearances while hiding and neglecting even serious underlying problems.
It frustrates me that he can be so ignorant, careless, and hurtful. One of the biggest problems in our marriage was his lack of participation/unwillingness to do things with me after we moved back to MI. When he asked me to move 12 hours away from my friends and family to move to HIS hometown, where he has lived his whole life and where all of his family lives, I expected that he would make an effort to introduce me to his friends and the area and initiate activities to show me the things there are to do in this state. Instead, he completely abandoned me as soon as we moved back, telling me to make my own friends and go out and find things to do on my own (while I was jobless and pregnant). This was utterly shocking, since he seemed to be so caring before we got married.
I have been so dissatisfied with marriage and motherhood, too, because I have felt that it was so inhibiting/suffocating; I figured that when you are married and have a kid, you can't go out and do anything, have good experiences, make memories, have fun, or do any things you want to do... But NOW, I realize that that is only in MY MARRIAGE because of the person I chose to marry. Lots of married couples I know with children take vacations and do activities together, work together as a team, and are happy. Apparently, marriage and children do not have to be the end of a person's life.
I am just livid to think that the last four years of my life could have been filled with joy and satisfaction, rather than with depression, anger, hatred, and misery, if only A* was a better husband, friend, and/or person.
So anyway, moving forward. I have been making a greater effort to do things on my own with J and to learn what there is to do around here. My fear is for the future and for J, whose parents will never do anything together with him because his father does not allow it. And if A* gets custody of J like he wants, J will also grow up without his mother. All of this because his father was such a failure as a husband/father in the first place and screwed it up for everybody.
Thanks a lot, A*.
I think it bugs me because I have been waiting for 3-4 years for A* to start participating in this family and doing things with us, and now that he has decided to do so, he has kicked me out of the picture. He has been organizing more activities to do with J, but never allows me to come. So basically, he is building a better relationship with J--which is a good thing--but only at my expense.
A bigger implication of this pattern of behavior is that, should A* get custody of J, he is sure to continue to exclude me from activities with my son. I, on the other hand, think it is imperative that we seek out opportunities to get together after the divorce and do things together with J. I understand (and have always understood) how important it is for J to do activities with his family as a whole, because I never had that when I was a kid. A* had it and completely takes it for granted (that, and taking vacations, spending holidays together, etc.), so he does not bother to do it for J. A* has never cared about spending time with his family (instead, he thinks his role in the family is to be at work and make money), although he will claim that he resisted getting divorced because he wanted J to have two married parents. A married family with parents who do not (EVER) do activities together with the child is no better than a divorced one, in my opinion. A*s sense of duty and commitment has ALWAYS stopped at just "being" married (legally, on paper), not acting like a family or working on the relationships or making any effort necessary to make the family successful. This is typical for him--he was raised to be very concerned about appearances while hiding and neglecting even serious underlying problems.
It frustrates me that he can be so ignorant, careless, and hurtful. One of the biggest problems in our marriage was his lack of participation/unwillingness to do things with me after we moved back to MI. When he asked me to move 12 hours away from my friends and family to move to HIS hometown, where he has lived his whole life and where all of his family lives, I expected that he would make an effort to introduce me to his friends and the area and initiate activities to show me the things there are to do in this state. Instead, he completely abandoned me as soon as we moved back, telling me to make my own friends and go out and find things to do on my own (while I was jobless and pregnant). This was utterly shocking, since he seemed to be so caring before we got married.
I have been so dissatisfied with marriage and motherhood, too, because I have felt that it was so inhibiting/suffocating; I figured that when you are married and have a kid, you can't go out and do anything, have good experiences, make memories, have fun, or do any things you want to do... But NOW, I realize that that is only in MY MARRIAGE because of the person I chose to marry. Lots of married couples I know with children take vacations and do activities together, work together as a team, and are happy. Apparently, marriage and children do not have to be the end of a person's life.
I am just livid to think that the last four years of my life could have been filled with joy and satisfaction, rather than with depression, anger, hatred, and misery, if only A* was a better husband, friend, and/or person.
So anyway, moving forward. I have been making a greater effort to do things on my own with J and to learn what there is to do around here. My fear is for the future and for J, whose parents will never do anything together with him because his father does not allow it. And if A* gets custody of J like he wants, J will also grow up without his mother. All of this because his father was such a failure as a husband/father in the first place and screwed it up for everybody.
Thanks a lot, A*.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)