moving forward

It's been over a month since announcement of the divorce.  I've told my family and a couple friends and co-workers.  I've basically run through a gamut of emotions and settled into acceptance.  A* and I have been getting along better than usual, probably because I don't view his many flaws as my problem anymore (at least not for long); I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Our sex life is better than it has been in a long time; it feels kind of wrong, kind of dirty, which makes it exciting.  But once the divorce is finalized, so are we.

We haven't spoken about the divorce or the future in weeks, but I've been making plans of my own.  Travel, seeing old friends, buying a house (possibly on the lake).  I'm about to inherit some money, which dramatically decreases my stress and terror about the future.  I now feel that Jayson will be okay.  I'm even thinking about going back to school full-time, although I can't quit my job until I have corrective jaw surgery, which is a couple-years-long process with braces and everything.  Ugh.   It does, however, give me plenty of time to prep for the GREs, save some money, apply to as many schools as I want, and make an informed decision about what I want to do with my life.  Currently the options are law school or a doctoral school psychology program.  I'm leaning toward the latter.

I've been working on re-building relationships with people other than my husband--old friends from elementary school and college, and a few previous co-workers.  I'm particularly attracted to a guy who lives in New York and is obviously not a good match for me.  But he has a zest for life and is exciting and totally gorgeous.  Being interested in other guys (even the out-of-reach, and let's face it: they all are) helps take my mind off my current relationship problem and gives me a glimmer of hope for the future.  Maybe I won't be alone forever.

Just maybe.

I've decided to be more committed to journaling, so I will check back in soon.  I promise.

I am an Island

We went to see fireworks last night.  Andy reminded me that it is only the 2^nd time we have seen fireworks as a family; other years, Andy was working or couldn’t bother to take us out.  His family doesn’t celebrate in any other way, and Andy doesn’t celebrate holidays (any of them) unless his family has a gathering scheduled.  When I was a kid, we didn’t really celebrate holidays either… I wanted things to be different for my family and, especially, for my son.

Most holidays in this marriage have been equally un-celebratory.  Andy works every holiday of the year, except Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day.  He has hotly maintained throughout our marriage that holidays are work days, and further, that he is at the mercy of his schedule throughout the year, which may mean working at 5:30 a.m., overnights, 7-4 shifts, 10-7 shifts, or 1-10 shifts (usually), attending store meetings at 6:00 a.m., and going into work on his days off.  His job has never been family-friendly, and he has always reminded me of that when I ask him to spend more time at home.  His job comes first, his family second.  To accommodate this, my job has always come second; I have always put my family first, partly because it is the right thing to do and partly because I have no other choice—Andy has placed that burden on me.

Now, with the looming divorce, Andy has completely changed his story.  According to him, when we are divorced, his work will NOT conflict with his parental responsibilities, he will take vacations whenever necessary (including holidays), and have a schedule that works around his son, not vice versa.  I have learned over the years that the truth is whatever is most convenient for Andy at the time.  He lies frequently, usually daily.  I learned to doubt EVERYTHING he says many months ago.  I told him today that I don’t know when he is telling the truth and when he is lying.  Was he telling the truth before when he blamed his work for his inability to spend time with his family, or is he telling the truth now when he says his work will no longer get in the way of caring for his son?  I believed for many years the “truth” he told about his work schedule, and I have absolutely no reason to believe the “truth” he is telling now.  It really worries me, because I want Jayson to have a relationship and equal time with his father, but I just don’t know how Andy can manage it.  If Andy cannot be consistently there for Jayson, it will be better for Jayson to see him less.

This afternoon, we talked about how we are going to do custody on holidays.  I feel that Andy’s custodial time is HIS and not his parents’, so if it is his day with Jayson, he needs to be there for him.  If he will not be able to care for Jayson on those days, he should not ask to have him.  Andy got angry and refused to discuss this, only saying that it would not be fair for him not to have custodial holidays just because he wouldn’t be there.  He suggested yesterday that his custodial days are also his parents’, so they should be able to watch Jayson for him (at least, I cannot protest this and it is none of my business what goes on those days).  I explained that it would not be in Jayson’s best interest to be bounced around between THREE families, sometimes going to my house, sometimes to Andy’s, and other times to Andy’s parents’ house.  Andy’s schedule changes from week to week, and the custody arrangement (which we haven’t been able to discuss yet, because I am waiting for Andy to figure out a way to be consistent) is already guaranteed to leave Jayson insecure and disoriented.  Andy’s inconsistent schedule has been very hard for me (he doesn’t know what his schedule will be from day to day sometimes, because he does not inform me of his schedule ahead of time and forgets when he is supposed to work), and I can’t imagine how much harder it is for Jayson.  Jayson often expresses negative feelings about Andy, saying “I don’t like him,” frequently refusing to allow Andy to play with him, and almost ALWAYS refusing to allow Andy to assist or help him with his needs—he always wants me.  Andy blames me for this (as if I have turned Jayson against him), but I believe it is because Jayson resents him for being so inconsistent in his life.  It breaks my heart when Jayson tells me he doesn’t like his dad, because he is too young and innocent to harbor such resentment.  I just want him to be happy.

Since Andy notified me of the divorce, I have been devastated for Jayson, thinking about how it is going to tear his life apart.  But as yesterday progressed, I started to realize that Jayson has never had a family that did activities together, celebrated holidays, took vacations, or had many happy memories as a unit (thanks to Andy and his refusal to participate).  For a while, when Andy was renovating the new house, Jayson called one house “Mama’s house” and one house “Daddy’s house.”  He is actually very used to his parents being apart.  Maybe the change will not be as hard on him as I first thought.  Or maybe yesterday was just a bad day—Jayson was very negative toward Andy yesterday. 

Andy also revealed yesterday that I have been uninvited to all of his upcoming events—the family camping trip later this month, his high school reunion (apparently also this month; he never even told me about it), his friend’s wedding, and all future family gatherings.  I learned this through offhand remarks; he did not tell me directly, as if I didn’t even need to be told and should just KNOW.  It is like Andy has already written me out of his life.  Okay.  Except that Andy’s family and friends are the only connections I have in this town (other than my coworkers, whom I prefer to keep separate from my personal life).  Andy has alienated me from all of my family and friends, first by moving me to Michigan, hundreds or thousands of miles away from my family and friends.  Second, by refusing to travel back to the east coast to visit my family.  In the four years since we moved here, we have only traveled to Virginia ONE time so Jayson could see my family—in 2009, when Jayson was one.  Usually he uses work as an excuse, promising that we can go months or weeks in advance, but then at the last minute saying he has not requested the vacation and it is now too late to do so (without any apology or remorse).  He has done this more times than I can count, and for all kinds of different events and occasions.  We were supposed to travel down in October 2008 so my family could meet Jayson for the first time, but Andy pulled the “I didn’t request vacation” stunt, and we couldn’t go.  He refused to travel down anytime after that until October 2009, when we successfully drove down for a few days.  We planned to travel down the next year (2010), again in October, but Jayson came down with bronchitis the day before the trip, so the trip was canceled.  Then, my sister informed me that she was having an Easter get-together for the whole family in April 2011.  I asked Andy many times over the next several months, but he flatly refused.  When I asked why, he had no reason except that he “just didn’t want to.”  I had always been afraid to travel alone with Jayson, but by this year, I decided that Andy wasn’t going to stop me again from seeing my family, so I decided I would go on the trip with or without him.  I told him in March that we were going to my sister’s Easter party.  He had enough time to request the vacation, but he chose not to.  I had to take Jayson to Virginia alone, but I did it, because I would not allow Andy to keep Jayson from having a relationship with my family any longer (this was the second time Jayson visited Virginia in his life).  Over the years, I have taken Jayson on many trips and outings alone; I realized long ago that if we waited for Andy, we would spend the rest of our lives sitting in our house doing nothing.  But traveling to see my family is difficult and scary when it is just me and Jayson, so I have put it off.  Plus, there is no room in our budget for traveling, since Andy has spent us so far into debt and most of our income goes to paying off those debts.  The best solution would be to move closer to my family, but Andy will fight me forever to keep Jayson in Michigan.  His desires, his needs, his family, and his life have always trumped mine.

So for the last four years, I have only seen my family (with two exceptions) when they drive to Michigan to see me.  They cannot afford to fly, so they drive 13 hours each way whenever they get a chance (usually once a year) and stay for a day or two before making the return trip.  It is difficult for them, but worth the trouble.  Jayson’s first Christmas, I paid for my mom to fly up so she could see him.  That was the last time I could afford to buy her a plane ticket.

Now I am getting divorced from Andy, his family, and his friends (although he hasn’t allowed me to see his friends in a long time, and has not even introduced me to some of them).   I am alone.  I cannot leave Michigan, because I cannot leave my son.  I have no family here and only coworkers, not real friends.  I have spent my entire time here at work or at home caring for Jayson, and have not had a chance to meet anybody.  In my classes I had many casual friends, but nobody I could really relate to.  It did occur to me today that I can make new friends, that I will not always be alone.  But for now, I am disheartened that Andy has just cut me off from all of my personal connections in town, considering that we are still married and living together and that we want to maintain a good relationship for Jayson (Andy makes that harder and harder everyday by his actions; consistently, his words and his actions contradict each other, like when he said that divorce was never an option, but pushed us closer and closer to divorce EVERY DAY through his choice of actions).  He has a built-in support network (a huge family and lots of friends and family friends—he has lived in this town his whole life and knows everybody).  He has no empathy for me or my situation, and cares not that he has put me here.  He is clueless and cruel.  

And with all the debt he has built up since we have been married, I don’t know if I will be able to afford to travel to see my friends and family after we are divorced.  We have not discussed how we will split the debt yet.  It is a discussion that will probably halt all other negotiations and send us straight to our attorneys.  I think we are both dreading it.  Until I know how the debt will be split, I cannot even attempt to figure out what my financial situation will be, where I can afford to live, etc.  Everything hinges on that.

I feel totally trapped and powerless right now.

I haven't slept since Saturday night...

A* has forbidden me from posting anything about the divorce on Facebook, although it is my sole means for communicating with my friends and family.  It would cause him to lose face, and appearances are very important to him; this is what he learned from his family growing up.  I learned from my family to be honest and straightforward.  I feel every day like I am lying to people, especially J, simply by not announcing the truth.  I have a very hard time keeping secrets.  A* already has discussed the divorce with his friends and family (and apparently has been discussing it with his parents for many months, although he has NEVER discussed it with me).  It is not fair that I cannot do the same.  That is going to change very soon.

I wrote A* a letter last week to try to make him understand how he has failed me as a husband in serious and very harmful ways.  First, he has not supported me emotionally or otherwise for as long as we have been married.  I asked him for support and help many times, but within just a few months of moving to Michigan, he told me that he could not be my only support, and that I should (no, MUST) find other people to rely on.  This from my husband who had just moved me away from all of my family and friends to be close to his own family and friends in the town he had lived his whole life.  This, when I was pregnant with our child, had given up a fabulous, lucrative job, could not find a new job, and was responsible for paying our bills and making everything in our life work, including shouldering ALL of the stress and pressure.  A* abandoned me basically from day one (he never gave my emotional or physical needs a thought), and never could or would admit how his neglect destroyed me.    When I got depressed, he did not help me; he blamed me.  When I reached out to him because I was unhappy, he told I “liked to be miserable” and I “wanted to be unhappy.”  I “made” myself depressed.  I could not talk to him about it (it obviously was a burden he could not be bothered with), and he would not change the behaviors (HIS behaviors) that were contributing to my depression. Instead of fixing our relationship, he told me to seek professional help and medication.  My depression made me a bad wife and mother.  When I tried to kill myself, it was only my fault and there was absolutely no excuse or reason he wanted to hear; he would not entertain for even a second the idea that his failures as a husband had led to my depression and suicide attempt.  I did not leave a suicide note, because I already knew after so many years of being blamed that there was no explanation that would get through to him, satisfy him.  I had given up trying.  

For years, I wanted to get a divorce.  I knew that being in this marriage was bad for me.  It almost killed me.  But every day I am scared for the future.  There is so much uncertainty.  Some days, A* is nice and I think, “This isn’t so bad.  I could live like this.”  But most days he is not, and, to live like this forever?  I know I deserve better than to have a husband that treats me like dirt half the time, and like I don’t exist much of the rest of the time.  I deserve better than to have a husband that blames me instead of supports me when I need help, who would abandon, fail, and disappoint me so many times throughout the years and still, to this day, refuse to acknowledge it or try to do better.

So yes, I know it is the right decision.  But I am scared. And angry. All of this is A*'s fault, but while he gets to live in the same house, with much the same stuff, surrounded by family and friends in a town that is so familiar to him and that he loves, I have no idea what will happen to me or where I will be in even a few months.  I cannot leave town because my job and son are here.  Where can I afford to live?  Who can I talk to?  Will I make new friends, or will I be alone forever?  Will I be able to afford to travel?  Will I ever be able to leave this town that I hate so much, or must I stay forever to be near my son?  What will I do with myself when I am alone?  Will I ever meet another guy?  This town is like a pit, a black hole--there are so few good people, jobs, restaurants, activities to do, or places to go...   I hate it here.  And right now I feel like I will be stuck here forever, and not only stuck here, but stuck here ALONE (the only thing that could make it worse).

On top of that, A* is in the best position he has been in his life.  Coming out of this relationship, he's got a son, a job, a better credit rating, a house, and tons of nice toys and gear he purchased for himself on my credit over the years.  He feels better about himself than ever.  Me?  I feel like a total schmuck, with debt I never had before, no place to live, no self esteem, I got fat, I got ugly, and I feel like I have nothing left to give.  I lost my freedom.  I lost my positive outlook.  I lost my potential.   And I lost my trust.  I no longer believe in love.  I used to be cynical, but now I'm cynical x1000.

Needless to say, my outlook is not so good...

Metal Detecting! And other less interesting things...

Last year, possibly for our anniversary, my husband bought me a metal detector.  It was very sophisticated and required calibrating and all kinds of crazy set-up.  I had always wanted one, and must have mentioned it to him at some point (usually those hints slip past him, but he must have been in a spending mood at the time). Since it was bought mid-winter, I never used it. 

I took it out yesterday, and it was sweeeeet.  Husband did not take J out last night, so we stayed home and metal detected in the yard (me and J, not Husband).  The first thing we found was a 1953 Michigan license plate buried right next to J's swing set!  We also found some kind of square metal plate and some other hunk of metal that looked like a part of a tractor engine or maybe piping (it was REALLY heavy).  Everything was covered in rust and dirt, and I haven't had a chance to clean them off and find out what they really are.

I can't wait to do it again!  Unfortunately, J lost interest pretty quickly and I don't think he enjoyed it very much.  He did have fun playing in a big hole we dug in the yard and throwing dirt on me.  I think this will have to be a hobby I do when he is not around.  It will be good to have a relaxing hobby that also gets me outside and moving.

Also, after the last week of focusing solely on the divorce and taking care of myself (to prevent a nervous breakdown), I feel like I am ready to ease back into my normal (more stressful) routine, which includes spending less time sleeping and filling the rest of my time with multiple responsibilities--taking care of J, figuring out how to pay debts, writing my thesis and finishing my Master's degree, administrating my grandfather's estate, actually working while I'm at work, cleaning the house, and planning for the future. 

I have been going to bed early to avoid seeing, and thus talking to, my husband for the past couple nights.  I guess talking to him again should also be on my to-do list.