Today is the first day of the rest of my life

Actually, last Thursday was the first day of the rest of my life. 

That was the day I picked up the Divorce Complaint from my husband's attorney.  That was the day it all became real.  Although I have wanted the divorce for several years (we've only been married for three and a half), the reality is a lot harsher than the dream.  Thinking about our son and what this will do to him is enough to make me rethink everything I have believed about what I need and what I can withstand in a marriage.  Thinking about having to deal with my husband for the next 15 years as an angry divorced couple (as opposed to an angry married couple) in parenting decisions makes me nauseous.  Everything else has been put on hold--finishing my thesis, trying to wrap up my grandfather's estate administration (which is a nightmare in and of itself), even going to work most days.  Since last Thursday, I have been focused on figuring out what is important in life, what the future will hold, and spending as much time with my son as possible. 

I forgot to mention that my husband has petitioned for sole custody of our son because he thinks I am crazy.  I am not.  And although I hoped to move out of the house immediately, my divorce attorney has advised me that I should stay put for the next six months (the mandatory waiting period for a divorce in Michigan when children are involved) so there can be no custody determination.  It makes me sick, but I stay.

I have lost my appetite.  I'm getting headaches.  I alternate between feeling totally fine and crying (sometimes uncontrollably), between hating my husband with an intense passion I have never felt before and getting along with him like nothing at all has transpired.  I haven't told anybody.  I don't know if he has.  We don't talk about it.  It is the terrifying elephant in the room.

I don't know if my attorney is any good.  I'm afraid he may be a self-confident fraud, but there were so few options here to choose from.  He was the best I could find.  I wanted somebody great.  I hope I'm not completely disappointed.  I can't afford a second retainer.

I have no friends and no family here.  I guess I will have to tell my family (in Virginia) eventually, but I do not expect comfort from them.  We're not that kind of family.  If I wanted to move back home, I could, but my husband would never allow me to take J there.  And I don't want to be a single mom (I want to share custody with my husband... I think).  So I stay.  My job here is good, but it's all I have.  That and my son.  There is honestly, truly nothing else.  So on top of everything else, I am scared.

My biggest fear, before I met my husband, was being alone as I grow old.  I had let go of that fear.  Now I wonder if I should let it back in.  I have no interest in dating, meeting other guys, or ever getting married again.  I feel like a spinster at 28. 

I'm having trouble finding meaning in my daily activities--at least, in anything that does not involve spending time with my son.  The house is clean... enough.  My thesis--previously a huge source of stress--now seems unimportant.  The estate administration seems so big a task and so worrisome that I am afraid to let it into my thoughts--if I do, I'm afraid the anxiety will be too much to handle.  And so it waits (at least as much as I can allow; I did feel good this morning and left a message for my estate attorney to talk about some issues). 

My husband wants to take J out tonight.  I don't know what to do with myself.  Maybe I'll sort through the documents I've collected to submit to my divorce attorney as evidence for my case.  I have spent more time than usual in the last week taking care of myself, sleeping, and just relaxing instead of sweating the small stuff, which right now does indeed seem small.  I'm all relaxed out, but I don't feel capable of taking on any great tasks, either.  It's like I'm stuck in limbo. 

Maybe next week will be more normal.