A* has forbidden me from posting anything about the divorce on Facebook, although it is my sole means for communicating with my friends and family. It would cause him to lose face, and appearances are very important to him; this is what he learned from his family growing up. I learned from my family to be honest and straightforward. I feel every day like I am lying to people, especially J, simply by not announcing the truth. I have a very hard time keeping secrets. A* already has discussed the divorce with his friends and family (and apparently has been discussing it with his parents for many months, although he has NEVER discussed it with me). It is not fair that I cannot do the same. That is going to change very soon.
I wrote A* a letter last week to try to make him understand how he has failed me as a husband in serious and very harmful ways. First, he has not supported me emotionally or otherwise for as long as we have been married. I asked him for support and help many times, but within just a few months of moving to Michigan, he told me that he could not be my only support, and that I should (no, MUST) find other people to rely on. This from my husband who had just moved me away from all of my family and friends to be close to his own family and friends in the town he had lived his whole life. This, when I was pregnant with our child, had given up a fabulous, lucrative job, could not find a new job, and was responsible for paying our bills and making everything in our life work, including shouldering ALL of the stress and pressure. A* abandoned me basically from day one (he never gave my emotional or physical needs a thought), and never could or would admit how his neglect destroyed me. When I got depressed, he did not help me; he blamed me. When I reached out to him because I was unhappy, he told I “liked to be miserable” and I “wanted to be unhappy.” I “made” myself depressed. I could not talk to him about it (it obviously was a burden he could not be bothered with), and he would not change the behaviors (HIS behaviors) that were contributing to my depression. Instead of fixing our relationship, he told me to seek professional help and medication. My depression made me a bad wife and mother. When I tried to kill myself, it was only my fault and there was absolutely no excuse or reason he wanted to hear; he would not entertain for even a second the idea that his failures as a husband had led to my depression and suicide attempt. I did not leave a suicide note, because I already knew after so many years of being blamed that there was no explanation that would get through to him, satisfy him. I had given up trying.
For years, I wanted to get a divorce. I knew that being in this marriage was bad for me. It almost killed me. But every day I am scared for the future. There is so much uncertainty. Some days, A* is nice and I think, “This isn’t so bad. I could live like this.” But most days he is not, and, to live like this forever? I know I deserve better than to have a husband that treats me like dirt half the time, and like I don’t exist much of the rest of the time. I deserve better than to have a husband that blames me instead of supports me when I need help, who would abandon, fail, and disappoint me so many times throughout the years and still, to this day, refuse to acknowledge it or try to do better.
So yes, I know it is the right decision. But I am scared. And angry. All of this is A*'s fault, but while he gets to live in the same house, with much the same stuff, surrounded by family and friends in a town that is so familiar to him and that he loves, I have no idea what will happen to me or where I will be in even a few months. I cannot leave town because my job and son are here. Where can I afford to live? Who can I talk to? Will I make new friends, or will I be alone forever? Will I be able to afford to travel? Will I ever be able to leave this town that I hate so much, or must I stay forever to be near my son? What will I do with myself when I am alone? Will I ever meet another guy? This town is like a pit, a black hole--there are so few good people, jobs, restaurants, activities to do, or places to go... I hate it here. And right now I feel like I will be stuck here forever, and not only stuck here, but stuck here ALONE (the only thing that could make it worse).
On top of that, A* is in the best position he has been in his life. Coming out of this relationship, he's got a son, a job, a better credit rating, a house, and tons of nice toys and gear he purchased for himself on my credit over the years. He feels better about himself than ever. Me? I feel like a total schmuck, with debt I never had before, no place to live, no self esteem, I got fat, I got ugly, and I feel like I have nothing left to give. I lost my freedom. I lost my positive outlook. I lost my potential. And I lost my trust. I no longer believe in love. I used to be cynical, but now I'm cynical x1000.
Needless to say, my outlook is not so good...
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