Shazam!

I was feeling pretty lonely yesterday on the ride home from town.  It was overcast, getting dark earlier than it used to, cold and bleak.  I was thinking about being alone and single, about my life changing dramatically in a couple weeks when I move into my own place.  It should be an exciting time, but it's also a very scary time for me.

I was thinking about this guy I've been talking to that I like, but who doesn't feel the same way about me, and about the hopelessness of finding love again.  And about being far away from the friends I used to have.

Then something happened that made me feel a little better.  The song "Oh Lord" by Foxy Shazam started playing on the radio.  I was touched because one of my oldest childhood friends in New Jersey (whom I only recently got back in touch with via Facebook) manages Foxy Shazam, and hearing the song when I felt so desolate reminded me that the world is very large, that I am connected to it, and that manifestations of friends can reach me even in this isolated town from very far away.  Knowing that, if I hadn't reconnected with this friend on Facebook and hadn't known he was affiliated with this band, I could have listened to that song without ever realizing the connection I had with it made me realize that there may be lots of other little moments like that that I overlook every day.  Maybe things that my old friends, colleagues, and acquaintances have created or had a part in DO reach me in Mt. Pleasant, and I just don't know it.  Maybe we are connected in that way even if we do not see or talk to each other anymore.

Most importantly, it helped me to remember that even though I'm stuck in Mt. Pleasant, I am not alone.  I really needed that yesterday.

Putting things in perspective

Steve Jobs died yesterday.  He was a visionary and an innovator, although not necessarily the best specimen of a human being.  Nonetheless, his drive and success are duly inspirational.  This quote floating around Facebook resonates with me:

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart." Steve Jobs, 2005.

And another Jobs quote: "I believe life is an intelligent thing, that things aren't random" (1997).  

I am truly feeling these statements today.  I have been really stressing during the last two weeks about some things in my life and feeling like my problems are insurmountable.  But in perspective (relative to death and other terminal problems), my problems are small change.  And perhaps I have gotten into these predicaments for a reason.  Maybe things aren't random.  And I can use this time in my life to learn some lessons and come out a better, stronger woman.  

To briefly organize my thoughts today, here is a list of my problems and how I CAN deal with and learn from them:

1. Debt: A* and I have racked up some serious debt.  I will chip away at this, be fiscally responsible, and get back on track.  I know I can do this with patience and time.  The key is making good life choices (where to live, what to buy, and what NOT to spend money on) and staying goal oriented.

2. Divorce: I am bummed right now about being single, but must remember that being alone will be better than being in the relationship I'm in now.  This will open doors to new opportunities and windows so I can breathe again.  It will be good to be in charge of my life again.

3. Estate Administration: Some days this feels like a never-ending struggle.  But as long as I keep a level and clear head and keep chipping away at it, things will be resolved.  The harder I work and push my attorney and myself, the sooner it will happen.  I only need to remember that this is a blessing, not a curse.

4. Money: Yes, I need more money to accomplish my goals and enjoy my life.  All of the things I must do to earn money feel like additional stressors that I'm not equipped to deal with right now.  Assessing my finances, making a budget, settling my grandfather's estate, de-cluttering and holding a yard sale, applying for an FYE teaching position, and taking time to donate plasma are all steps I can take to earn more money.  I need to take these one at a time and accomplish them in small (manageable) chunks.  It will pay off in the end.

There are many things I can do to be a more successful, happy, and fulfilled person.  Tackling the problems above and getting them under control will afford me more time to focus on becoming that person.  Today I am releasing the stress and anxiety and trying to put things in perspective.  It is a great relief.